Sparkle (2012)

I think my favorite moment of this movie was when my friend leaned over and said "Didn't we already see Dreamgirls?" and I whispered back: "Yes...AND What's Love Got To Do With It."

Via Wikipedia:
"Sparkle is an American musical film inspired by The Supremes. Sparkle is a remake of the 1976 film of the same name, which centered on three singing teenage sisters from Harlem who form a girl group in the late 1950s. The remake takes place in Detroit, Michigan in the 1960s during the Motown era."

I don't remember the original and I don't know why they changed the era or the locale, but I'm sure it didn't help the story any. I think what WOULD have helped was if they just made this a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Everybody's name seems to have an "S" in it. Sparkle, Sister, Satin. Thank God no one had a lisp or we ALL would have been lost! The music kinda sucks (except for the fab "Giving Him Something He Can Feel"), the editing makes it seems like they are trying to make something out of nothing (which they didn't), the song sequences are WAY too long and it's all just so...mediocre.

Alas, I didn't walk out. While I totally could have, there were a couple performances that I really enjoyed and whose story lines I was actually interested in.

None of them being the leads, but that's not the point.

Whitney Houston plays Sparkle's mean mom in hot rollers. She likes the bible and going to church and pointing her finger a lot. She doesn't like television, a-line dresses or using facial expressions. Jordan Sparks should be in movies as much as Britney Spears should be (FYI: Britney Spears shouldn't be.) and finally, the mean white guy is actually an albino...whatever that means.

But, the real standouts are Omari Hardwick as Levi (The diner scene with the ring, is nothing short of brilliant) and Tika Sumpter as Delores aka Girl #3. She really steals whatever scene she's in. (And much like Anika Noni Rose in Dreamgirls, it's a thankless role, but is fantastic.)

While none of the costumes made sense, like, AT ALL, they were really pretty to look at.

Whatelse can I tell you? If you like domestic abuse, mid-tempo songs and mothers that provide slutty bugle bead gowns as peace offerings, you will LOVE this movie.

Be warned: That above sentence reads like my dream film, but this movie is a nightmare to sit through.

In short, Sparkle doesn't even glimmer.

Carrie-The Musical

Okay, let's talk about this.



Carrie as a musical: I love the idea. I love the idea because it's one of the most ridiculous ideas since Spiderman -The Musical. WITH THAT SAID, I was super excited about it because I love the movie, I love the roles, I love theatre magic and I love Marin Mazzie.

What the Movie is about :
Carrie is a 1976 American supernatural horror film telling the story of a socially outcast teenage girl named Carrie White who discovers she possesses latent psionic power which seems to flare up when she becomes angry or otherwise distressed. Carrie's powers become apparent after her humiliation by her peers, teachers, and abusive mother, eventually resulting in tragedy.

What the Musical is about:
It's about two hours too long.

The show starts off in this weird interogation scene. It's Carrie's "friend" Sue, telling the police about how "she never saw it coming. She never saw ANY of it coming!!!!"

This is the top of the show and I can already tell what's coming: I'm gonna hate Sue.

...and I was correct.

Somehow they make this revival of a revival all about Sue, even though the show is called 'Carrie'. With all the interigation room flashbacks throughout the production, they should have just called the show LAW & ORDER: S.V.Sue.

Alas, there are even MORE people to hate in this show...including the entire ensemble cast. Chris is just a bitch, plain and simple and I can't figure out if it's the actress's or the director's fault, because I don't remember hating Chris THIS much. She's just a spoiled brat, with a limited voice range, who deserves to die and it's just a pity the audience has to wait till Act Two for it to happen.

As a matter of fact, this show really is Mean Girls on Ice while male chorus members are making gay jokes about each other the entire time. (Which sounds like a VERY fun show, but it's not. I promise.)

On to Mazzie.
The mother/daughter relationship should be the main focus of the show, which it's not and THUS is the downfall of the show. THIS is where the real action is happening. When Marin Mazzie is on stage, there is actual stage work, actual singing, and actual storytelling going on. She's fantastic.

The production values are great as well. Exploding this, levitating that. I really liked it, even though a lot of that stuff got 'laughs' because the tone of the piece was so uneven... non-specified at best. Was it supposed to be scary? Was it supposed to be 'cool'? No idea. Couldn't tell you. Eventually didn't care to find out.

We were gonna walk out, two unforgettable numbers in, but Sutton Foster was in the audience and I wanted to meet her at intermission.

After our meet and greet with her, we talked about leaving again but I REALLY wanted to see how they do the blood.

SUPER glad we did.

The way they do it is clever and it works. I didn't hate it. It's all about the following scene, though. When Carrie comes home after the school is burned down and everyone (BUT SUE!!!!) is dead. Carrie walks in and says 'Mama?'. Brilliance. Utter brilliance. I broke into tears. SOOOOOO freakin' good.

While I want to tell you what happens before and after the scene change, I won't. It's a great theatrical moment, that I'm VERY glad I got to witness, that if you can sit through the entire show to get there, if it's ever done again: it's totally worth it.


Now, if they could just kill Sue...

Love Never Dies...but it's killing Musical Theatre.

Picture it: Melbourne, 2011. I'm walking the streets of Melbourne, Australia, taking in both the amazing sights and amazing people, when I stumble upon a marquee for Love Never Dies.

Heaven.

Friends in other countries talk about how the U.S. always get things first, but here I was in Australia and here was the show that everyone was talking about that WAS NOT coming to the U.S. anytime soon.

Apparently for good reason.

So the show takes place 10 years AFTER The Phantom of the Opera ends... and EVERY CHARACTER makes sure you're reminded of it. I swear to God, this should have been called Ten Years Ago, because EVERY song starts that way.

Meg: "Ten years ago, I was a GOOD dancer." Madame Giry: "Ten Years Ago Meg USED to be a good dancer." Christine: "Ten years ago I was an ingenue." Raoul: "Ten Years ago I was sober." Phantom: "Ten years ago my life was an emotional roller coaster, now I live under one!" The Show: "Ten years ago, I was relevant."

It really goes on and on...

Story recap:
The Phantom misses Christine and sends her an invite to Coney Island to make her American Debut. She accepts without knowing the sender and comes with Raoul and a son. (smart people have already figured something out at this point both in the theatre and in this review)

A VERY "As If We Never Said Goodbye" entrance ensues.

Okay, so the show is kinda sorta REALLY about Meg...and this awful giant revolving mask ...and the touring set from Carousel.Could there BE anymore shit on that stage?"


Okay, where was I? So, Madame Giry runs this Coney Island carnival called Phantasma. (really, and Christine has NO idea who sent her the invite!?!?) Meg is the star, now, and her and Giry are really bugged that the Phantom hasn't come to any of the shows, so they sing a song reminiscing of how she and Meg smuggled him from Paris.

SMUGGLED him.

...He's apparently The Phantom of the Cocaine, now.

The sweet charming Raoul is now a drunk, gambling and physically abusive redneck. (What a difference ten years makes, girl!) The Phantom pulls a Phantom entrance with Christine's son and wants to show Gustave (the son) more of Phantasma. He tells Christine that she must sing for him again or she will return home without the boy.

(Doesn't The Phantom know how to say 'Please'? I mean really, are we STILL doing ultimatums TEN YEARS LATER!?!? Ugh.)

Meg finds out Christine will be singing and is PISSED off, so Giry tells Raoul that the Phantom is the one who invited Christine. There's the whole 'going down to the lair' scene, almost identical to the original (including the loud rock and roll guitars) and it's revealed that the boy is the Phantom's son.

Yeah, nobody saw THAT coming.



Anyhoo, Blah, Blah, Blah. The music is blah, the script is blah, the story is blah.



The show itself is laughable. Seriously. I laughed out loud twice and gafawed once. WHO WANTS TO WATCH A SHOW ABOUT MEG!?!? The show I saw NOBODY cared about what they were singing, talking about OR doing. I'm talking stage actors AND audience.

Except for The Phantom. This guy LOVED the show he was in. He was LIVING in it. THAT was actually cool to watch him be like "I know the rest of you hate this show, but I'm gonna pretend like it's a full house and we're the toast of Melbourne." (both of which, were not true) and that fucker sang his face off.

Good on ya, son!


Okay, so Act two (after MANY audience members walked out) it's revealed that The Phantom will leave EVERYTHING he has to his son and Meg and Giry FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Next thing you know the kid disappears and no one knows where he is.

Insert song: "That Bitch, Meg".

I SWEAR to God, then THIS happens: The next scene is Meg trying to drown Christine's son. DROWN! (IS THIS SHOW OUT OF IT'S FUCKING MIND!?!?) When The Phantom confront her, Meg pulls out a gun. A FUCKING GUN!!! Then you get a song about everything she's done for The Phantom INCLUDING BEING A HOOKER TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE THEME PARK!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M PRETTY SURE LOVE IS DEAD AT THIS POINT, NO!?!?

THEN The Phantom tries to get the gun from her and a gunshot goes off! (OH MY "CLUE": WHO GOT SHOT!??!)

Tragically, it wasn't the author, composer or Meg.

Now see, I walk out of EVERYTHING, but this I HAD to see what happened. I mean it kept getting worse and worse, while the costumes kept getting better and better for no apparent reason. What am I a crow? Am I a theatre crow who just looks at the sparkly stuff and won't notice anything else?

NO, I'm not. I am not a theatre crow...with that said, this show is about as good as a pile of bird shit.

So then there's that.

Hereafter

After sitting in that theater for two and a half hours watching this crap flick, I'm pretty sure I died and came back! This clunker is long and boring. It wasn't until the sixty-first minute that anything ACTUALLY happens excluing the opening scene which doesn't really set anything up except for the reason for the 100 Million dollar budget!


Directed by Clint Eastwood, why I don't know, the movie tells three parallel stories about three people affected by death in different ways. Matt Damon plays George, a psychic (ala 1978's The Fury, if you ask me) and Jay Mohr plays his douche of a brother. Jenifer Lewis is in the movie for like 28 seconds, which just sucks because she's always so good. Cécile de France gives an enchanting performance as Marie and my new husband, after Austin's Weatherman Mark Chapin of course, Thierry Neuvic is wonderful to watch...and listen to speak French...and gawk at:

Here's my issue with this flick: NOTHING HAPPENS! There's a bunch of really lovely scenes. Some emotional. Some impacting. One moved me to tears! BUT NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!! It wasn't one of those "slice-of-life" films like I think they thought it was. It's more like someone's artsy attempt at trying to montage three brilliant movie ideas together, but they couldn't figure out how to, so they just end it with some abrupt Saturday Night Live skit ending because no one could think of anything else to write.

Matt Damon: yawn. Clint Eastwood's directing: yawnier. The audience walking out after the film: yawniEST!!!

You don't need to ACTUALLY die and come back to see what death is like. Go sit in a theatre and watch this mess. THAT is what death is like!

They're Playing Our Song

...no. No they are not.

Leap of Faith - The Musical

Last night I went to a preview of the new musical Leap of Faith now playing at The Ahmanson Theatre through October 24th, 2010.

The first act, is awful.

Not awful, like BAD, awful like: WHO CARES!? It's got the SAME color scheme of the musical Oklahoma, the SAME backdrop of the 'Kansas' scenes from a tour of The Wizard of Oz, the SAME costuming from a High School production of West Side Story during 'Dance at the Gym', the SAME plot of 'Ya Got Trouble' from The Music Man...the list goes on and on. Showing here:


And it's apparent I wasn't the only one who thought that, because the people next to us walked out half way through the first act...when, if I had attended this performance alone, I would have walked out too.

But I didn't. Which is a choice I am very happy with, looking back.

The second act was strong. Like REALLY strong.

And good.

As a matter of fact, the finale received a standing ovation which I was PROUDLY a part of.

...Now then, before I get ahead of myself, for those of you who DON'T know here's a short and sweet synopsis c/o Wikipedia of the musical based on the 1992 film starring Steve Martin:

"When his traveling ministry breaks down in a small Kansas town, part-time reverend and full-time con artist (Jonas Nightingale played by Raúl Esparza) quickly pitches a tent and invites the locals to a revival. The sheriff is determined to stop Jonas from separating the townspeople from their money, but Jonas’ real challenge arises when he meets a pretty waitress (Marva McGowan played by Brooke Shields) and her son, whose love forces an ultimate cynic to take a real leap of faith."

Fine, okay, good.

The first act opens with a VERY interesting dance piece. It was interesting to me because I felt that you, as an audience member, had to stop watching the dancing itself, which was fantastic, and instead step back and see what the dancing actually meant. What they were trying to convey. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it the way I loved the opening of Spring Awakening with the blue light bulbs, et al...WONDERFUL, but MUCH like Spring Awakening, it wasn't enough and it didn't set the piece up right and I wanted to walk out two musical numbers in.

Which, by the way, for Spring Awakening: I did. (Stupid, piece of shit musical...)

Speaking of musical numbers, there are WAY too many in the first act. Cut some shit, people. We get it, you've got a Gospel Choir and they can sing. We don't need eighty-two 45 minute sets from everyone. We got it with the first one, we endured the third one and after that it's overkill. Also, there are these useless ballet/dream sequence transitions thingys that happen between almost every scene change. But it's not like they are PART of the scene change, they are in addition to. A scene ends, then they come in and dance, they exit, THEN the set changes. It's like the four-time Tony Award nominee, five-time Olivier Award nominee, Emmy Award winner, Drama Desk winner, and Outer Critics Circle Award winner director/choreographer just wanted to say: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

We got it...WITH THE OPENING... and just like a guy at a bathhouse with no mouth, this isn't servicing anybody.

Raúl Esparza, frankly, I hated. WAY too cocky, nothing likable about him (which to me translates into BAD actor with worse direction), he sings WAY too hard because he's aware the audience is bored by his performance and I just kept thinking 'You're NOT Jonathan Price, this isn't The Engineer from Miss Saigon. Relax. It'll be okay." He was GREAT in one scene opposite Brooke Shields, but I think that's because Brooke Shields was acting her face off. So with THAT said, it could be just a boring script that SHE knows how to work around and he doesn't.

Which leads me to Brooke Shields.

The critics are gonna tear her apart because "She can't sing". It's not that she can't sing, it's that the music is ALL wrong for her. I thought she was great. That bitch was ACTING! She was funny, she was heartfelt, she was sincere...again, I thought she was GREAT. They just need to get someone in there that can sing THIS music or change it so it fits HER vocal range.

I mean if Glenn Close can 'sing' Sunset Boulevard, Brooke Shields can sing Leap of Faith.

Nicholas Barasch, who plays her son Boyd McGowan, was wonderful. He's stealing the show. "A" because he's good. "B" because the vocal score is PERFECT for him and "C" because he's not trying. (ARE YOU LISTENING RAÚL ESPARZA!?!?) Jarrod Emick (Sheriff Will Braverman) was LOVELY. I wish they would have made his solo MORE of a solo. Kecia Lewis-Evans was fabulous as Ida Mae. I don't get the ensemble girl dressed up like she walked in off a production of The Life, but whatever: the show needed tits and legs, and she had 'em both. Kendra Kassebaum was an interesting choice for the role of Sam, Jonas' sister. Kassebaum is REALLY funny and genuinely brilliant, which if you saw her as Glinda in Wicked you would know what I mean, but I felt that she was trying to make more out of her role than there actually was. (Which I give her props for.) Maybe she knows the show IS a comedy, or at least is SUPPOSED to be and no one else knows that. Frankly though, that doesn't make her STAND out, it makes her STICK out. I don't know. It's all very confusing. Hopefully it will all come together as the show runs.

One of the kick-ass Act Two numbers.

All in all, if you have ANY interest in seeing this show, I WOULD take a leap of faith to see if you can make it through to the second act and then onto the finale. They just need to cut a bunch of shit from the first half, move some of the act two showstoppers to the top and tell Raúl Esparza that he can't be jealous of the little boy stealing the show and that he's NOT carrying the show because Brooke Shields 'can't sing'. If you make it the entire way, I think you'll be very glad you did...as you stand there in your ovation celebrating a FANTASTIC ending to a REALLY crappy beginning.

Have some Faith. I'm glad I did.

The Town

First off, I get that it's the #1 film at the box office right now, but frankly I don't care. I'll have nun of that, thank you very much.



Did I hate it? No. Was it good? Ugh. Would I see it again? No. Would I tell friends to go see it? If they think 'Boston Accent' = acting: Yes.

"The Town is an action crime thriller starring, co-written and directed by Ben Affleck that is based on Chuck Hogan's novel Prince of Thieves."

ooOOOOooooh. Sounds deep.

As you've probably seen by the trailer, a team of four masked-men and lifelong friends from the tough streets of Charlestown Massachusetts, rob a bank and after a silent alarm is tripped by one of the employees, Jem takes the bank manager hostage.

Hmmm. Okay. I'm intrigued.

Once the team has escaped from the bank, they let her go (Yep, you guessed it: the bank manager is a pretty and dateable woman) but the loose cannon co-boss "Jem" (NOT of the Holograms, thank you) quickly realizes from taking her driver's license that she lives four blocks from Gloansy (someone's last name) and decides he should confront her to make sure she does not speak to the authorities.

Hmmm...oh...kay... but then what hap-

Doug (Affleck) fears that Jem will make things worse ('cause he's a little crazy, ya see...) and takes on the assignment himself, following her and eventually meeting up with her at a laundromat where, after noticing she is still very shaken by the robbery, he asks her out on a date.

WHO WOULDN'T!?!?

The next night, before they go out, Claire confesses that she is still traumatize- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA INTERRUPT HERE. Let me guess what happens? They fall in love? Am I right? AM I RIGHT?!?!?

Ugh. Wanna Walkout Point #1.

People: whatever you think is gonna happen. Is gonna happen. Lemme just tell you. The dialogue is laughable at parts. And I'm not just talking ME laughing out loud, I'm talking about MULTIPLE people laughing out loud and then other people laughing at those people because they were thinking the same thing. THAT is how bad the acting is.


Side note: Rebecca Hall you are NO Molly Ringwald. There will never be ANOTHER Molly Ringwald. Please stop.

Side, side note: Ben Affleck you are NO Ryan Reynolds. Put it and the accent away.


Okay where were we? Ah yes: Meanwhile, FBI agent Adam Frawley (Jon Hamm) is in charge of the case surrounding the recent robbery by MacRay and his crew. When Jem approaches Doug with another job, he initially turns it down, explaining that he is leaving town and taking blah, blah, blah...

Wanna Walkout Point #2

I didn't though, because I HAD to wait and see if someone who deserved to get shot was going to. Yep: THEY GOT ME! DAMN IT!!!

Was I glad I stayed? Honestly: yes. Much like a movie with Australian accents: once my ear adjusted, but in this case to the bad acting, there was some GREAT action. Like, better than Passenger 57. I liked the ending minus the VERY last shot. Again, laughable.

I have never thought ANYTHING about Ben Affleck, so after this performance that still holds. Um, I don't watch Mad Men, so I have NO idea about Jon Hamm but believe me when I say he's not picking up any new viewers from THIS gig. Jeremy Renner was fine. TYPICAL but fine. Blake Lively tried for her dear life to be Sharon Stone from Casino, alas no dice. Chris Cooper needed some money, so he's in there along with Victor Garber and Pete Postlethwaite.

If I were you, I would just Netflix it...and then Facebook while you're waiting for the action scenes.