Click HERE for the full review
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Volver
Click HERE for the full review
Friday, March 17, 2006
V For Vendetta
Loved it.
Like, I REALLY loved it.
Like, I walked out of the theater and said to my friends: "I'm a little amazed about how much I loved it."
I don't know if everyone/anyone has seen it yet, so I don't want to say too much because I went in to it not thinking ANYTHING about it. I didn't really know what it was about. (It kinda looked like a horror or thriller film, and I gotta tell you: any film that seems like it's going to torture Natalie Portman after all the years of her torturing us, I'm totally up for.)
There is suspense, love, action, comedy, style and mystery. Everything you could ask for in a movie. If you've already seen the film you should check out the site link above. It's got GREAT content. (If you haven't seen the film and don't like spoilers, then I would wait or be VERY careful of what links you click on.)
There WERE two parts where I was just about to loose interest (I get it: you're laying plot. Please continue.) But just when I was about to be completely over it, something happened and I was back in.
In other words: GO SEE THIS FILM!
A couple of my favorite lines from the movie came from V:
SHUT UP! I KNOW! Viva La Vie Boheme!
(Different movie, but I think you get the point...)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Failure to Laugh Launch.
The latest S.J.P. mess-terpiece.
Now, I would like to start with a special thanks to her manager/hair stylist/best homo helper/friend for FINALLY giving Miss Thang some new hair. MAKE CARRIE BRADSHAW GO AWAY!!!! We have every episode on DVD and/or burned into our memory. We got it. She's got great hair. Now, let's cut it off. Let's dye it dark brown (yes, it's not just for the commercials honey), MY GOD, EVEN PERM THE BITCH! I just don't care. I can't take it wavy or blown out straight one more time!!!
...I'm sorry, where was I?... Oh..she had new hair... Thank you.
In this film, Matthew McConaughey was pulling a Ryan Reynolds from Amityville Horror with the amount of shirtless shots he had. (I think that's the new Movie Red Flag. ***If the stars have their clothes off too many times (for no apparent reason), it means they are trying to distract you from what is being said or happening on screen! REMEMBER THAT!)
Zooey what's-her-name is funny. I will say that. We laughed at almost EVERYTHING she did. Afterward S. Dwayne reminded me that she was in The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston... WE DIED LAUGHING during THIS scene where Zooey's character works at a cosmetics counter in a crappy store with a hysterically crappy attitude:
Old Woman: I look too white, don't you think?
Zooey: Not at all. I'm just trying to match your face with your hair. I was thinking you're not white enough.
Old Woman: I think I look kind of weird.
Zooey: The first rule of fashion is you have to look weird. What I'm doing has come straight here from France.
Old Woman: Oh?
Zooey: It's called Cirque du Face, meaning "Circus of the Face", and it's all the rage with the Frenchies, ma'am.
OH and Justin Bartha TOTALLY rocked too!
A lot of 'Launch' fell flat (I mean, how do you make Kathy Bates appear untalented?), Sarah Jessica squeaks...A LOT, and EVERYONE has great teeth. I guess the short review is this:
If you want to see an almost romantic comedy that tries to be 'Something About Mary' at times with its bad, bad, BAD gags that bring silence to an almost full theater, but can't get off the ground because the best players are the supporting cast that has to repeat the same old "You're running from love, Man!" dialogue. Then this film is for you. If you hate that shit, take a number and wait for something better... like her next film:
Spinning into Butter
A hate crime on the campus of a New England college puts the school's dean (Parker) in a position where she has to examine her own feelings about race and prejudice, while maintaining her administration's politically correct policies.
SHUT UP! I KNOW! BaRf, PuKe, BELCH!!!!
If you DO have 97 minutes to kill and you have nothing to do, I urge you to catch this film if only for Zooey Whoseywhatsit's performance and the amazingly awful/ridiculously hysterical (because they are SO obvious) reshoots they edit into the wrap up scene where Sarah Jessica Parker goes from this:
TO THIS:
AND BACK TO THIS:
...like no one's gonna notice...
Now, I would like to start with a special thanks to her manager/hair stylist/best homo helper/friend for FINALLY giving Miss Thang some new hair. MAKE CARRIE BRADSHAW GO AWAY!!!! We have every episode on DVD and/or burned into our memory. We got it. She's got great hair. Now, let's cut it off. Let's dye it dark brown (yes, it's not just for the commercials honey), MY GOD, EVEN PERM THE BITCH! I just don't care. I can't take it wavy or blown out straight one more time!!!
...I'm sorry, where was I?... Oh..she had new hair... Thank you.
In this film, Matthew McConaughey was pulling a Ryan Reynolds from Amityville Horror with the amount of shirtless shots he had. (I think that's the new Movie Red Flag. ***If the stars have their clothes off too many times (for no apparent reason), it means they are trying to distract you from what is being said or happening on screen! REMEMBER THAT!)
Zooey what's-her-name is funny. I will say that. We laughed at almost EVERYTHING she did. Afterward S. Dwayne reminded me that she was in The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston... WE DIED LAUGHING during THIS scene where Zooey's character works at a cosmetics counter in a crappy store with a hysterically crappy attitude:
Old Woman: I look too white, don't you think?
Zooey: Not at all. I'm just trying to match your face with your hair. I was thinking you're not white enough.
Old Woman: I think I look kind of weird.
Zooey: The first rule of fashion is you have to look weird. What I'm doing has come straight here from France.
Old Woman: Oh?
Zooey: It's called Cirque du Face, meaning "Circus of the Face", and it's all the rage with the Frenchies, ma'am.
OH and Justin Bartha TOTALLY rocked too!
A lot of 'Launch' fell flat (I mean, how do you make Kathy Bates appear untalented?), Sarah Jessica squeaks...A LOT, and EVERYONE has great teeth. I guess the short review is this:
If you want to see an almost romantic comedy that tries to be 'Something About Mary' at times with its bad, bad, BAD gags that bring silence to an almost full theater, but can't get off the ground because the best players are the supporting cast that has to repeat the same old "You're running from love, Man!" dialogue. Then this film is for you. If you hate that shit, take a number and wait for something better... like her next film:
Spinning into Butter
A hate crime on the campus of a New England college puts the school's dean (Parker) in a position where she has to examine her own feelings about race and prejudice, while maintaining her administration's politically correct policies.
SHUT UP! I KNOW! BaRf, PuKe, BELCH!!!!
If you DO have 97 minutes to kill and you have nothing to do, I urge you to catch this film if only for Zooey Whoseywhatsit's performance and the amazingly awful/ridiculously hysterical (because they are SO obvious) reshoots they edit into the wrap up scene where Sarah Jessica Parker goes from this:
TO THIS:
AND BACK TO THIS:
...like no one's gonna notice...
Monday, March 6, 2006
The 2006 Oscars
Let's start with the red carpet of the 78th Academy Awards, shall we?
LOVE the color, hate the drapery. I would LOVE to see the rest of the room she pulled this Gone With The Wind number from. And what's with the Asian tranny/pulled back mannequin meets poor girl prom hair thing that's going on? AND WHERE ARE HER TITS? AND IS SHE PREGNANT? ALSO I haven't seen the press release, but is her husband dying too? Yowzers!
I'm not even going to aBROACH the problem with this picture.
Oh NO she didn't! You're fucking kidding me right?! What's bigger: her hair, that bow or her gaul? Didn't I drive through the bottom of her dress last week when I got my car washed?
When she won I thought to myself: 'this marriage is about as over as a bustle on the red carpet.'
"No seriously we JUST woke up, threw this on and came here...SERIOUSLY! I SWEAR!!!" AND WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE PEOPLE, IS THAT SHE'S WEARING WHITE SHOES!!!
---
Now the show:
I didn't HATE Jon Stewart persay, I just wished Ellen had hosted. I didn't think he was bad, but I didn't really think he was that funny either... Ebert & Roeper LOVED him so I'm gonna have to hate him. Sorry Jon. I like you better in half hour increments...but I will say this: you said two things that really got me. The first was when It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp won and you came out and said "Now THAT'S how people should act when they win an Oscar!" Right!? I totally agree with you.
I liked that George Clooney had a short, sweet and honest speech. Nicely done. I hated that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a big disheveled pig who couldn't brush (let alone cut) his hair for something as important as the Oscars. AND UNCROSS YOUR ARMS YOU UNGRATEFUL SLOB! Ugh!
Okay what else? The Wallace & Gromit guys: there is only one thing I hate more then Horizontal stripes and it's horizontal stripes when used for schtick. (However if it's the big cute French guy carrying a penguin, I'm all for schtick! J'TAIME Luc Jacquet!!!)
Oh how I missFebreeze Fabrice...
Now I fell IN LOVE with Miss Jenny Garner after '13 Going On 30' and her almost slip and recover was just another example of how charming, real and becoming this young lady is. Way to Go Jen!
My favorite moment of the night. Two hysterical, fabulous professionals who KNOW how to captivate/entertain/work material/steal the show.
In my opinion Uma Thurman stole the night as THE most beautiful woman of the evening. That dress, that hair, the make-up, her poise, the walk. She was amazing. Thank you Uma for showing us how a true woman acts.
and then there's THESE two! WTF?! This is the second thing that Jon Stewart said that KILLED me: "Next year, I'm wearing Overalls!" SHUT UP! I KNOW! I am SO sure!!!
...at least he wasn't wearing a bolo tie, right?
(See what I did there? Thank you...thank you VERY much...)
---
Now the show:
I didn't HATE Jon Stewart persay, I just wished Ellen had hosted. I didn't think he was bad, but I didn't really think he was that funny either... Ebert & Roeper LOVED him so I'm gonna have to hate him. Sorry Jon. I like you better in half hour increments...but I will say this: you said two things that really got me. The first was when It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp won and you came out and said "Now THAT'S how people should act when they win an Oscar!" Right!? I totally agree with you.
I liked that George Clooney had a short, sweet and honest speech. Nicely done. I hated that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a big disheveled pig who couldn't brush (let alone cut) his hair for something as important as the Oscars. AND UNCROSS YOUR ARMS YOU UNGRATEFUL SLOB! Ugh!
Okay what else? The Wallace & Gromit guys: there is only one thing I hate more then Horizontal stripes and it's horizontal stripes when used for schtick. (However if it's the big cute French guy carrying a penguin, I'm all for schtick! J'TAIME Luc Jacquet!!!)
Oh how I miss
Now I fell IN LOVE with Miss Jenny Garner after '13 Going On 30' and her almost slip and recover was just another example of how charming, real and becoming this young lady is. Way to Go Jen!
My favorite moment of the night. Two hysterical, fabulous professionals who KNOW how to captivate/entertain/work material/steal the show.
In my opinion Uma Thurman stole the night as THE most beautiful woman of the evening. That dress, that hair, the make-up, her poise, the walk. She was amazing. Thank you Uma for showing us how a true woman acts.
and then there's THESE two! WTF?! This is the second thing that Jon Stewart said that KILLED me: "Next year, I'm wearing Overalls!" SHUT UP! I KNOW! I am SO sure!!!
...at least he wasn't wearing a bolo tie, right?
Friday, February 3, 2006
When A Remake Stranger Calls
Rules when baby/housesitting:1. If a caller breaths and doesn't ask what you're wearing, hang up. It is NOT going to turn out well.
2. Don't keep answering the phone, you stupid bitch.
3. *69 wont save you. It's all about *77 Anonymous Call Rejection!!!
4. If the ethnic maid was there one minute and is gone the next, that means she's dead. "A" Maids ALWAYS say goodbye. It's how they let you know that they know that you live like a pig. "B" They're Ethnic. Ethnics ALWAYS die first.
5. The only way you will know she is a real maid is if her name is Rosa. (Rosa? What are the writers fucking kidding me? I know SO many Hispanic people and I don't know one named Rosa! Why the stereotypical name? It's like they think Hispanic people have like 2 names! The girls: Rosa and Maria. The Guys: Carlos and Manuel. Now I'm not one to drop names (but I'm always one to point out when someone else does) but I was at an event at Jennifer Love-Hewitt's Mom's house last night (SHUT UP! I KNOW!) and her Hispanics were named Sandra and Israel. Get it together Hollywood! (Sorry... weird pet peeve I had to voice.)
6. Blondes are always bitches in horror films and die. Only the brunettes survive. If your blonde friend breaks into your housesitting gig and then suddenly disappears, she's dead. She's not playing a trick on you and you saying "This isn't funny" down a dark hallway in a big empty house won't save you. Don't be stupid. You're brunette: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!
7. Let's not leave the house when you see shadows outside, mmm-kay?
Now, that being said, I didn't hate it THAT much. Since Anne Hathaway can now officially act, Camilla Belle is the new OLD Anne Hathaway.
I screamed at a couple of parts. ALL the classics were there. When he said: "Have you checked the children?" you could feel the wave of terror through the audience. It was SO cool!
Were the endings the same though? I can't remember! Did the girl escape at the end or did she die? And I don't think I knew that that was Carole Kane. Has the bitch been around forever or what?
That reminds me: She was funny in Scrooged.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Last Holiday
Every now and then I'll be dragged to a movie that I have no interest in seeing and most of the time I'm right about why I didn't want to see it. (after all I am a Capricorn.) However, every once in a while I will be pleasantly surprised and thus thankful that I was
Case in point: Last Holiday
The short and sweet synopsis of this fab film:
Georgia Byrd (Queen Latifah) lives a small life tucked inside big dreams. By accident she learns her days are numbered thus she throws caution to the wind and embarks on a dream holiday to do everything she ever thought was possible.
"A" That Queen Latifah is one charming bitch. DAMN charming. How charming you may be asking? Charming enough to make you laugh one minute and cry the next, all the while feeling inspired to change your life. (and for an hour and 52 minutes, that's pretty damn charming if you ask me.)
"B" Timothy Hutton plays the biggest cock sucker ever! Right up there with Rebecca De Mornay in the Hand that Rocks The Cradle... or Kyle MacLachlan in Showgirls... (but not as bad as Bette Davis in What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. Okay?!)
"C" When did LL Cool J get so cute and approachable?
"D" Gérard Depardieu is the new Arnold Schwarzenegger. SHUT UP! I KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SAYING!?!?!?
Go see this. Love this. Quit your job, get your hair done and then do an at home clothes montage set to music. (Preferably Evita's 'Rainbow High'.)
You will not regret it.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
The Family Stone
The Family Stone
Sure it's been out for over a month but when I checked out what was playing at the local theaters THAT was the one that screamed out for me...well, not screamed but said :"Hey Bitch! I'm the best thing out right now so don't be stupid!" and usually I don't listen to movies that call me names and I always try to avoid movies that star people I like but don't look very good, but when someone told me that someone dies in this film, I was all over it.
Steel Magnolias Part Deux? SWEET!
Your cast includes:
Claire Danes - Looking healthy. Great hair.
Diane Keaton - Looking Old (Can someone please tell her no more glasses in movies or real life please. It's old! ...but then again so is she so nevermind...)
Rachel McAdams - Liked her better in the second half of the movie, but she was WAY better in this film thanpink Red Eye.
Dermot Mulroney - Is he getting sexier? Yummeee! DO ME! DO ME!!!
Craig T. Nelson - LOVED him! I'd love to ask him what he's been doing all this time, but it's kind of apparent: He's been eating.
Luke Wilson - Can't stand him most of the time, but he was totally charming in this flick.
Tyrone Giordano - I'm sorry: Cute, Gay AND Deaf? Perfect. Now I can say whatever I want and not worry about the repercussions.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Her mole on the chin thing is borderline Ewan McGregor Bendi/Welt on the forehead thingy... MUST be removed.
The film as a whole: Good. It was long in a couple parts (and by long I mean TOTALLY boring. We get the point SJP, they hate you) but once the film hits it's mid-way marks and ALL the story lines are laid down, my range of emotions were called upon: Anger, pity, loss, struggle, need, frustration, exhilaration, want, happiness and fulfillment.
I guess you could call it a Romantic Comedy that takes a turn down Holiday Drama road. I walked out of that theater thinking about life and love and relationships and how great the right relationship is/will be and how no matter what people act like, it doesn't mean that's the way they are, it just means that's the way they're being.
Except of course for George W. Bush, that bastard.
Sure it's been out for over a month but when I checked out what was playing at the local theaters THAT was the one that screamed out for me...well, not screamed but said :"Hey Bitch! I'm the best thing out right now so don't be stupid!" and usually I don't listen to movies that call me names and I always try to avoid movies that star people I like but don't look very good, but when someone told me that someone dies in this film, I was all over it.
Steel Magnolias Part Deux? SWEET!
Your cast includes:
Claire Danes - Looking healthy. Great hair.
Diane Keaton - Looking Old (Can someone please tell her no more glasses in movies or real life please. It's old! ...but then again so is she so nevermind...)
Rachel McAdams - Liked her better in the second half of the movie, but she was WAY better in this film than
Dermot Mulroney - Is he getting sexier? Yummeee! DO ME! DO ME!!!
Craig T. Nelson - LOVED him! I'd love to ask him what he's been doing all this time, but it's kind of apparent: He's been eating.
Luke Wilson - Can't stand him most of the time, but he was totally charming in this flick.
Tyrone Giordano - I'm sorry: Cute, Gay AND Deaf? Perfect. Now I can say whatever I want and not worry about the repercussions.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Her mole on the chin thing is borderline Ewan McGregor Bendi/Welt on the forehead thingy... MUST be removed.
The film as a whole: Good. It was long in a couple parts (and by long I mean TOTALLY boring. We get the point SJP, they hate you) but once the film hits it's mid-way marks and ALL the story lines are laid down, my range of emotions were called upon: Anger, pity, loss, struggle, need, frustration, exhilaration, want, happiness and fulfillment.
I guess you could call it a Romantic Comedy that takes a turn down Holiday Drama road. I walked out of that theater thinking about life and love and relationships and how great the right relationship is/will be and how no matter what people act like, it doesn't mean that's the way they are, it just means that's the way they're being.
Except of course for George W. Bush, that bastard.
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