An American Haunting

Last night I went and saw An American Haunting and I have to tell you: It's Hauntingly awful.


Like for reals ya'all.



"A" Dear Sissy Spacek,

Don't.

Just stop.

I forgave you for "Blast from The Past" and I also forgave you for "The Ring 2". I'm sure some people don't know that you were the voice of Anne Uumellmahaye in "The Man With Two Brains", but I do. You kicked ass in 'Carrie' and you kicked ass in 'Night Mother'. You've been nominated 6 times for an Oscar and won 1. What are YOU doing in this trash chute of a movie? Donald Sutherland, I understand. He's awful in everything! (We get it Donald: you're an "Actor". Please bring it down a little, mmm-kay?) But YOU Sissy? Bad. BAAAADDDD SISSY!

"B" Since when does loud=scary? (They must have went to the Dakota Fanning school of film making. SCREAMING IS NOT ACTING DAKOTA!!!)

"C" This movie is bad. Not bad/good like Basic Instinct 2 but bad BAD. Like, when people were laughing it was because it was SO bad and SO long and SO ridiculous, we as the audience couldn't take it anymore. At one point the girl gets pulled by her hair by "the ghost" and ends up looking like Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. Showing here:



My other favorite part is when "the ghost" is panning and tilting flying around the room and the slave maid gives this look into camera like: "Molly, you in danger girl." It was so dead on, I said it out loud and got a laugh. SHUT UP! I KNOW!


"D" My suggestion: If you want to see a scary movie, go see Scary Movie. You'll probably laugh cause you're suppose to.

"E" James D'Arcy is hot. (Even in a terrible period piece.)

Basic Instinct 2

My Basic Instinct was I HAD to go see this movie.

Last night was my friend Greg's Birthday 'drinks and a movie' night, so we went over to Farmers Market and grabbed a beer, then walked over to The Grove to catch the 8pm showing of: Basic Instinct 2.

Dun, Dun, Dunnnnn.



We walked into the theater expecting it to be empty, but there were probably 30 or so people there. Almost totally gay, minus the Asian couple behind us and the girl that was in our party. (Who knew we were a target audience?)


Short review:
It's Laugh Out Loud Awful. LIKE, REALLY awful. Like, worse than you could think.

Longer Review:
It's Laugh Out Loud Awful. LIKE, REALLY awful. Like, worse than you could think. (Like, two people from our group walked out because it was so bad.)

From the opening Fade In till the final Fade Out: I laughed, I covered my eyes, I covered my ears and I tried to go to sleep. I tried to figure out in WHAT order this thing was shot, I tried to figure out WHY it was shot. (Turns out Ms. Stone got paid $14 million against 15 percent of gross receipts, estimated at $93.3 million and FYI: in case you didn't hear, the film opened at #10 and brought in only $3,201,420 at the Box Office and this week it was #16 behind The Shaggy Dog and Larry The Cable Guy. Ouch.) All that and they also managed to work in a pantsuit for La Stone.

Now let's talk wig hair:

Who was the hair stylist on this job, Ray Charles? Maybe THIS is what killed him! Could NO ONE tell her hair was falling off her head for half the movie? It changed colors, it changed shapes, it changed textures,
it had bangs, it had layers...it had layered bangs
... what it didn't have was Bobby Pins.

...and there's the wardrobe:

What is that a trash bag? A Sleeping Bag? A Body Bag?


Things I never thought I would hear in a movie:
Catherine Tramell: Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.

Roy Washburn: What were you doing at 100 miles per hour?
Catherine Tramell: He was making me cum. And it was 110, we must've hit a pothole.
Roy Washburn: Kevin Franks died, you don't seem very worried.
Catherine Tramell: I am worried, worried that I'll never cum again.

Catherine Tramell: Some people like blondes, others like murderers.


Things I never thought I would say during a movie:
"If this is going to turn into another lesbian scene I am SO out of here."
"I love the movie Charlotte Rampling's acting in."
"Can you really jack off a dead guy?" (SHUT UP! I KNOW!)




HERE'S the Uncensored Promo reel containing the lesbian scene (I KNEW IT!), the 3-Way (I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING) and other scenes that were cut because they actually moved the plot forward.

Volver

This week's Reviews for Jake is of: Volver starring Penelope Cruz and a bunch of other names you don't know. (It's okay, I don't know them either!)


Click HERE for the full review

V For Vendetta

Loved it.


Like, I REALLY loved it.



Like, I walked out of the theater and said to my friends: "I'm a little amazed about how much I loved it."


I don't know if everyone/anyone has seen it yet, so I don't want to say too much because I went in to it not thinking ANYTHING about it. I didn't really know what it was about. (It kinda looked like a horror or thriller film, and I gotta tell you: any film that seems like it's going to torture Natalie Portman after all the years of her torturing us, I'm totally up for.)

There is suspense, love, action, comedy, style and mystery. Everything you could ask for in a movie. If you've already seen the film you should check out the site link above. It's got GREAT content. (If you haven't seen the film and don't like spoilers, then I would wait or be VERY careful of what links you click on.)

There WERE two parts where I was just about to loose interest (I get it: you're laying plot. Please continue.) But just when I was about to be completely over it, something happened and I was back in.

In other words: GO SEE THIS FILM!


A couple of my favorite lines from the movie came from V:
'A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having.'

'People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people.'

SHUT UP! I KNOW! Viva La Vie Boheme!
(Different movie, but I think you get the point...)

Failure to Laugh Launch.

The latest S.J.P. mess-terpiece.

Now, I would like to start with a special thanks to her manager/hair stylist/best homo helper/friend for FINALLY giving Miss Thang some new hair. MAKE CARRIE BRADSHAW GO AWAY!!!! We have every episode on DVD and/or burned into our memory. We got it. She's got great hair. Now, let's cut it off. Let's dye it dark brown (yes, it's not just for the commercials honey), MY GOD, EVEN PERM THE BITCH! I just don't care. I can't take it wavy or blown out straight one more time!!!


...I'm sorry, where was I?... Oh..she had new hair... Thank you.



In this film, Matthew McConaughey was pulling a Ryan Reynolds from Amityville Horror with the amount of shirtless shots he had. (I think that's the new Movie Red Flag. ***If the stars have their clothes off too many times (for no apparent reason), it means they are trying to distract you from what is being said or happening on screen! REMEMBER THAT!)


Zooey what's-her-name is funny. I will say that. We laughed at almost EVERYTHING she did. Afterward S. Dwayne reminded me that she was in The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston... WE DIED LAUGHING during THIS scene where Zooey's character works at a cosmetics counter in a crappy store with a hysterically crappy attitude:

Old Woman: I look too white, don't you think?
Zooey: Not at all. I'm just trying to match your face with your hair. I was thinking you're not white enough.
Old Woman: I think I look kind of weird.
Zooey: The first rule of fashion is you have to look weird. What I'm doing has come straight here from France.
Old Woman: Oh?
Zooey: It's called Cirque du Face, meaning "Circus of the Face", and it's all the rage with the Frenchies, ma'am.








OH and Justin Bartha TOTALLY rocked too!







A lot of 'Launch' fell flat (I mean, how do you make Kathy Bates appear untalented?), Sarah Jessica squeaks...A LOT, and EVERYONE has great teeth. I guess the short review is this:

If you want to see an almost romantic comedy that tries to be 'Something About Mary' at times with its bad, bad, BAD gags that bring silence to an almost full theater, but can't get off the ground because the best players are the supporting cast that has to repeat the same old "You're running from love, Man!" dialogue. Then this film is for you. If you hate that shit, take a number and wait for something better... like her next film:

Spinning into Butter

A hate crime on the campus of a New England college puts the school's dean (Parker) in a position where she has to examine her own feelings about race and prejudice, while maintaining her administration's politically correct policies.

SHUT UP! I KNOW! BaRf, PuKe, BELCH!!!!


If you DO have 97 minutes to kill and you have nothing to do, I urge you to catch this film if only for Zooey Whoseywhatsit's performance and the amazingly awful/ridiculously hysterical (because they are SO obvious) reshoots they edit into the wrap up scene where Sarah Jessica Parker goes from this:



TO THIS:


AND BACK TO THIS:


...like no one's gonna notice...

The 2006 Oscars

Let's start with the red carpet of the 78th Academy Awards, shall we?


LOVE the color, hate the drapery. I would LOVE to see the rest of the room she pulled this Gone With The Wind number from. And what's with the Asian tranny/pulled back mannequin meets poor girl prom hair thing that's going on? AND WHERE ARE HER TITS? AND IS SHE PREGNANT? ALSO I haven't seen the press release, but is her husband dying too? Yowzers!


I'm not even going to aBROACH the problem with this picture.

(See what I did there? Thank you...thank you VERY much...)

Oh NO she didn't! You're fucking kidding me right?! What's bigger: her hair, that bow or her gaul? Didn't I drive through the bottom of her dress last week when I got my car washed?

When she won I thought to myself: 'this marriage is about as over as a bustle on the red carpet.'

"No seriously we JUST woke up, threw this on and came here...SERIOUSLY! I SWEAR!!!" AND WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE PEOPLE, IS THAT SHE'S WEARING WHITE SHOES!!!
---

Now the show:

I didn't HATE Jon Stewart persay, I just wished Ellen had hosted. I didn't think he was bad, but I didn't really think he was that funny either... Ebert & Roeper LOVED him so I'm gonna have to hate him. Sorry Jon. I like you better in half hour increments...but I will say this: you said two things that really got me. The first was when It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp won and you came out and said "Now THAT'S how people should act when they win an Oscar!" Right!? I totally agree with you.


I liked that George Clooney had a short, sweet and honest speech. Nicely done. I hated that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a big disheveled pig who couldn't brush (let alone cut) his hair for something as important as the Oscars. AND UNCROSS YOUR ARMS YOU UNGRATEFUL SLOB! Ugh!






Okay what else? The Wallace & Gromit guys: there is only one thing I hate more then Horizontal stripes and it's horizontal stripes when used for schtick. (However if it's the big cute French guy carrying a penguin, I'm all for schtick! J'TAIME Luc Jacquet!!!)

Oh how I miss Febreeze Fabrice...












Now I fell IN LOVE with Miss Jenny Garner after '13 Going On 30' and her almost slip and recover was just another example of how charming, real and becoming this young lady is. Way to Go Jen!


















My favorite moment of the night. Two hysterical, fabulous professionals who KNOW how to captivate/entertain/work material/steal the show.















In my opinion Uma Thurman stole the night as THE most beautiful woman of the evening. That dress, that hair, the make-up, her poise, the walk. She was amazing. Thank you Uma for showing us how a true woman acts.














and then there's THESE two! WTF?! This is the second thing that Jon Stewart said that KILLED me: "Next year, I'm wearing Overalls!" SHUT UP! I KNOW! I am SO sure!!!

...at least he wasn't wearing a bolo tie, right?

When A Remake Stranger Calls

Rules when baby/housesitting:

1. If a caller breaths and doesn't ask what you're wearing, hang up. It is NOT going to turn out well.

2. Don't keep answering the phone, you stupid bitch.

3. *69 wont save you. It's all about *77 Anonymous Call Rejection!!!

4. If the ethnic maid was there one minute and is gone the next, that means she's dead. "A" Maids ALWAYS say goodbye. It's how they let you know that they know that you live like a pig. "B" They're Ethnic. Ethnics ALWAYS die first.

5. The only way you will know she is a real maid is if her name is Rosa. (Rosa? What are the writers fucking kidding me? I know SO many Hispanic people and I don't know one named Rosa! Why the stereotypical name? It's like they think Hispanic people have like 2 names! The girls: Rosa and Maria. The Guys: Carlos and Manuel. Now I'm not one to drop names (but I'm always one to point out when someone else does) but I was at an event at Jennifer Love-Hewitt's Mom's house last night (SHUT UP! I KNOW!) and her Hispanics were named Sandra and Israel. Get it together Hollywood! (Sorry... weird pet peeve I had to voice.)

6. Blondes are always bitches in horror films and die. Only the brunettes survive. If your blonde friend breaks into your housesitting gig and then suddenly disappears, she's dead. She's not playing a trick on you and you saying "This isn't funny" down a dark hallway in a big empty house won't save you. Don't be stupid. You're brunette: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!

7. Let's not leave the house when you see shadows outside, mmm-kay?


Now, that being said, I didn't hate it THAT much. Since Anne Hathaway can now officially act, Camilla Belle is the new OLD Anne Hathaway.

I screamed at a couple of parts. ALL the classics were there. When he said: "Have you checked the children?" you could feel the wave of terror through the audience. It was SO cool!

Were the endings the same though? I can't remember! Did the girl escape at the end or did she die? And I don't think I knew that that was Carole Kane. Has the bitch been around forever or what?

That reminds me: She was funny in Scrooged.