Reviews For Jake

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Spring Awakening

Went and saw Spring Awakening last night and walked out.

SHUT UP! I KNOW!

This is the third Broadway show I have walked out of in my life.

The first was when my friend and I went to see Uncle Tom's Cabin (because his client was in it) and me being the show "aficionado" waited until Topsy died (because that's what happens in the 10 min version of Small House of Uncle Thomas during The King and I ) and then we walked out.

...turns out there were TWO more acts!!!! SHUT UP! I KNOW X 2!!!!

But I got to tell you, it was the worst show ever, regardless of WHOS cabin it was, so it's okay.

THEN I saw The Producers a couple of months ago, which was SO awful. (No it wasn't original cast, but it WAS a knock-off of an understudy of a replacement! (In other words: garbage)

and now Spring Awakening.

Honestly, I DO believe I have learned to lower my expectations over the years for things people rave about. (and this show EVERYONE has raved about) but frankly, it's Rent costumed by the same people who did that movie Witness (where the hell IS Kelly McGillis) featuring multiple songs from Hedwig and The Angry Inch starring the vocal styling of pretentious American Idol cast-offs performed by the amatuer future has-beens from the next revival of Annie.

I swear.

Now, I'm not gonna go on and on trashing it because...well...I have to go to work and this could take all day and I'm sure people are gonna disagree (after all kids were screaming (thankfully it subsided/they got a clue) after the first few numbers which included such top chart toppers (not) as: You Are My Bruise and Life's a Bitch), but I gotta tell you: "A" There were more flat notes belted than when Jennifer Paz hit LA with Miss Saigon and "B" the Act One Finale was a guy finger-banging a girl on an over sized porch swing then pulling down his pants to have sex with her while his ass jiggled in yellow lights during some semi-ballad called: "Say Hi Men To My Hymen".

Save your money and see the same thing in Germany under red lights for free.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Children of Men

Last week I caught "Children of Men" with Julianne Moore, Clive Owen and Michael Caine.

It's kind of a cross between Schindler's List and Total Recall. Except Children of Men had WAY more extras than Schindler's List and no one wants to go to Mars like in Total Recall...they just want to go home.

C.O.M. takes place in 2027 where humans can no longer procreate (Wait, so no more Republican's? SHUT UP! I KNOW!) and a former activist (Clive Owen) agrees to help out the rebellion (more or less headed by Julianne Moore) by transporting something/someone that could change the world (or lack thereof) as they know it.

Michael Caine is slightly genius, Clive Owen is fine and Julianne Moore is beautiful as usual but "A" she's giving you stunt casting DOWN and "B" how she was the only one without an accent (and there were more accents in this movie than Julia Roberts had in Mary Reilly) I'll never understand.

The movie is good-ISH. I'm glad I saw it, but it's no V for Vendetta (which is what people are sort of comparing it to) V for Vendetta had me leaving the theater ready to take on the world by taking a stand in what I believe in. C.O.M. just had me leaving the theater ready to get in my car. I mean come on, the movie was only 108 minutes, but felt like 3008 minutes. It's slow most of the time while being action packed at a few points and there is one specific scene/scenes that was freakin' riveting. You could feel the entire audience watch in silence as their tears (mine included) hit the floor. If the entire film was like this particular scene, it would be the new Dancer in the Dark.

But it's not. It's more the new Passion of the Communists.