The Informers

Quick review: You know it's not a good movie when Kim Basinger is the best thing in it.

Full review: The Informers is a film based on Bret Easton Ellis' 1994 collection of short stories of the same name. It's about youth, drugs, rock stardom, sex, tri-sexuality, useless domestic violence and apparently the 1980's.

SHUT UP! I KNOW!

Now BELIEVE ME, I know ALL of those things should make for riveting filmwork, but alas, the motion picture industry has steered you wrong again. We get it: Hollywood is awful, people with money do drugs and everyone wore Ray-Ban glasses in the 80's. NEXT!

Billy Bob Thornton is SHIT, Mickey Rourke is visually disgusting (what else is new?) but I guess that his character is as well, so I guess it's alright...I guess. Winona Ryder is a waste. Yawn. Austin Nichols is SO gay that it is apparent they had to have his entire dialogue voiced over by another 'straighter' voice actor. (Austin, call me. I love boys with lisps.) There were like six other no named/no clothed other people who were naked the entire time (look for a clear shot of Jon Foster's cock sock during the twelfth useless time he's naked) and I don't know who Brad Renfro is (I'm SO serious. I walked out of Ghost World and couldn't imagine going to The Jacket. FYI: Adrien Brody please stop making films...) but he was REALLY good in this film. (I will say this though, when I was Googling him to see who he was, all these SUPER cute and hot photos came up and he does NOT look like this, in this, his final film before his fatal overdose...cokebloat was in FULL effect, people.)

38 minutes into this movie, I still had NO idea what the fuck it was about or what the fuck I was watching. Finally an hour and nine minutes in, it is revealed what the title of the movie "means" and guess what? It has nothing to do with anything. WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?

Okay, what haven't I covered? Oh, Kim Basinger and the 1980's. Okay, Ms. Basinger was wonderful, beautiful, perfectly directed and was VERY enjoyable in a well-isn't-SHE-talented-every-time-she's-on-screen sorta way. Nice job, honey. Keep up the great work.

Now then, the last thing I am going to cover is this film and the 1980's. I don't when the 80's became a period piece, but I now know how anyone from the Renaissance Era would feel if they were alive to watch us destroy what worked perfectly then but we felt needed to be "corrected" to make sense to a modern viewing audience. Here are a list of things that drove me FUCKING CRAZY during this film about them trying to covey the 1980's.

-The hair. No one wore distressed Shirley Temple curls in the 80's. It was permed, it was teased, it was frosted (or it was all three) and there was a claw (if you're from the East Coast) or a wave (if you're from the west coast) where there should have been bangs AND any ponytail worn was on the top of the head and to the side with a scrunchie or banana clip keeping it in place. There were no ringlets. There were no center parts. There was no mono-colored hair.

-Every girl work pink or white frosted lipstick. There was no such thing as a nude lip.

-Jelly bracelets were only worn with OTHER Jelly bracelets. Not with bangles. Bangles were only worn with Bangles. They were not mixed. It was an era of Accessory Segregation and we loved it.

-A bolo tie on one character, pegged pants on another and a buttoned up polka dot shirt on yet another: IS NOT CORRECT COSTUMING!!! One character should have been wearing all three with stonewashed jeans.

-The only DeLorean in the 1980's was in Back To The Future.

-and last but not least: Black denim was part of the 1990's, assholes! HOW DARE YOU BLAME THAT ON THE 1980'S!




****Okay, as I start doing even MORE research on this film, because I started to get REALLY pissed off about it again after that Black Denim incident), it turns out an ENTIRE plot line was cut out of the film that is in the book and the film makers failed to cut out all the 'fringe information' scenes, so as I'm reading summaries of each short story from the book, the film makes A LOT MORE SENSE.

Not complete sense, but a lot more. (For example: "Oh, Peter wasn't a pedophile, it was for the vampires. It's all SO clear now.")

Mamma Mia, that was longer than Schindler's List!

Well, last night was the Outfest advance screening of Mamma Mia! The Movie... and mamma mia was the movie awful.

For those of you who don't know (I didn't) Mamma Mia is about 20 year old Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) who is getting married and wants her father to give her away but guess what: SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO HER FATHER IS! (Dun, dun, dun.) It could be any of three former lovers of her mother Donna, played by Meryl Streep and the only way to find out which one it is, is to invite all three to her wedding and see what happens.

In the beginning it looked like it had potential. (I mean the movie takes place on the beaches, cliffs and more cliffs of Greece, so if all else fails, cut to scenery, right? AND DON'T THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN!?!?) Anyway, Amanda Seyfried wasn't that tragic. Sure she looks like an aryan Anne Hathaway, but I wasn't gonna hold that against her. (Casting didn't, so why should I?) You meet her bridesmaids and wish right away that they were having a smaller wedding, I mean who cares: WHERE'S MERYL STREEP?!?!?

By the grace of God, Christine Baranski hits the screen (in the WORST WIG EVER!!!) as Tanya along with her cohort Rosie played by British actress and comedienne Julie Walters. Baranksi is funny as usual and Walters is almost funnier.

BUT WHERE IS MERYL STREEP!??!?

Then like a theatrical goddess in overalls, Meryl Streep trots down the pier to pick the ladies up to take them back to the bed and breakfast that she is running...into the ground...and she needs Money, Money, Money just as we the audience need a good musical number.
THIS TRIO DOES NOT FAIL

We meet the former lovers/possible fathers Bill, Sam and Harry (Stellan Skarsgård, Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth respectively) and pray they move the story back to the girls. ...and by girls I mean everyone but Sophie, because they are the only people of any interest. If Sophie speaks or sings one more time I'm gonna kill myself, just like she's slowly killing me.

Here's my issue with the film: Sophie invited the men to the wedding without her mother knowing so we have to witness her telling all three men the same tired story (or stories) over and over again... it was like watching Les Miserable. You know when everyone dies and then starts to come back: SHUT UP PEOPLE! MOVE THE STORY ALONG AND TELL ME SOMETHING NEW!!!! Ugh, it was awful. SO BORING. Laughable at parts it was so bad. Seriously, Pierce Brosnan's vocals were about as good as Johnny Depp's were in Sweeney Todd...if not gooder. (That wasn't a compliment Mr. Brosnan OR Mr. Depp.) AND THEY KEPT GIVING HIM MORE SOLOS TO SING!!!!

My other issue is Dominic Cooper who plays her fiance Sky, couldn't be gayer if he were me shitting glitter while twirling a baton and wearing a tiara. SHUT UP! I KNOW! Besides that Colin Firth was lovely, the "greek chorus" was VERY enjoyable and Meryl Streep had two show stopping numbers. (As if we'd expect anything less...)

Here's the end-all people: There were more songs in this LONG ASS MOVIE than there are in The King and I, A Little Night Music and Fiddler On the Roof rolled into one:

"I Have A Dream", "Honey, Honey", "Money, Money, Money", "Chiquitita", "Super Trouper", "Dancing Queen", "Our Last Summer", "Lay All Your Love On Me", "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)", "The Name Of The Game", "Voulez-Vous", "SOS", "Does Your Mother Know", "Slipping Through My Fingers", "The Winner Takes It All", "Under Attack", "Knowing Me, Knowing You", "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do", "Waterloo", "When All Is Said And Done", "Take A Chance On Me", "Mamma Mia (Reprise)", "I Have A Dream (Reprise)"....AND THEN A MEGA-MIX!!!!!

ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS!?!?!? The only good numbers were "Money, Money, Money", "Dancing Queen" and "The Winner Takes It All"... the later, showing here:


The rest, is trash.

Apparently if you liked the stage show, you'll hate the movie and if you liked the movie, you'll hate the stage show.
Well, I hate them both and I'm going to rent Brigadoon if that tells you anything.

Role Models

Cast (l to r) Christopher Mintz-Plasse,Paul Rudd, Seann William Scott and Bobb'e J. Thompson

Super Quick Review for Jake: I didn't hate it.

Quicker Review for Jake: On one hand I could see how some people would wait till this came out on DVD to see it (It's no male Drop Dead Gorgeous after all!) but there were two parts in this movie that people were laughing at how hard I was laughing. "Parts" were that funny.

Complete Review for Jake:
Seann William Scott plays Wheeler a slacker who is living the life of dressing up as a mascot for the energy drink company he's works at along with his best friend Danny. (Portrayed and co-written by Paul Rudd)

When Danny's girlfriend Beth, played finely by Elizabeth Banks, tells him that he has an attitude problem (which he TOTALLY does) she breaks up with him and frat guy comedy plot ensues. After they are both arrested for their energy drink-fueled bender, the court gives them a choice: go to jail and be raped or spend 150 hours with a mentoring program.

See, it's kinda boring.

At the mentoring center they meet their 'little buddies': Augie played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Ronnie portrayed by Bobb'e J. Thompson. Both great actors. Bobb'e as Ronnie is HY-STER-ICAL and Christopher as Augie is perfectly pathetic and full of heart in every way.

However, their characters are more than Danny and Wheeler can deal with and after one day with the kids, jail isn't looking like such a bad alternative. The woman who runs the center, Gayle Sweeny (played funnyily and crazily by Jane Lynch...don't judge my made up words...) tells them it's these boys or being raped in jail.

At this point it's a better movie than it sounds like, it's just the same old shit and you know how it's gonna end. I mean, Seann William Scott DOES full body rear nudity- (SHUT UP! I KNOW!) -and Paul Rudd is simply adorable always fully clothed, but still I gotta say with this film you get laughs, heart, lessons and resolve. It's a fine movie. It's good enough. Would I see it again? No. Would I stop someone from seeing it? No. It was enjoyable.

Here, watch the trailer. It gives A LOT away, but it's fun and has cussing:


Anyway, I guess my point is: I don't think you're supposed to expect much from films like this, so I didn't and I didn't think it was a waste of my money or time...unlike Mamma Mia. Ugh. I still resent having that experience burned in my brain...

9 to 5 The Musical

Last night I went to the first preview performance of the WORLD PREMIERE of 9 to 5 The Musical starring Allison Janney, Stephanie J. Block and Megan Hilty at the Ahmanson Theater in Los Angeles and while it was a VERY exciting evening to be a part of (Dolly parton was in the house AND introduced the show) let's face it: it needs some work.


I KNOW IT'S THE FIRST PREVIEW AND THE FIRST TIME THEY RAN THE SHOW ALL COMPLETELY THROUGH (well, they almost did) but I think they shouldn't have tried to stay THAT close to the original script. My friend Sam said it best: They need an editing eye.

This show is long.

Like, I felt like I put in a full 8 hour day watching it.

Allison Janney was tired. I don't mean "that bitch's hair is tired" I mean EXHAUSTED. Her first song (and a few more) she TOTALLY "Henry Higgins-ed" it. (yep, that's a verb.)

Now I'm a HUGE fan of Ms. Janney's. I LOVED her in The West Wing, she was BRILLIANT in Drop Dead Gorgeous and honestly pretty much anything she's ever featured in, but here it seemed like her sense of timing was made for television and film and not for the stage. (Which is weird, I KNOW, because she was Tony Nominated for her performance in Arthur Miller's A View from the Bridge.) However, next to stage stars Stephanie J. Block (Boy From Oz, Wicked) and Megan Hilty (Wicked) she seemed to flounder.

Which sucks.


Musical Numbers:

The opening sequence of the title song 9 to 5, is fun. I don't know if it's smart, but it's fun.

Around Here tells the story of how it works at Consolidated while introducing Violet Newstead to Judy Bernly and a GENIUSLY PERFECT set.

Here For You is Franklin Hart's (Marc Kudisch) first song. While I get that he has to have a song to set up his character, they should cut a verse and get back to the girls. We get it, he's a pig. NEXT!

Out of Control is the song that takes the place of the copier scene with Judy. It starts out fantastic and then turns into some crappy hack number cut from Seussical.

Tattletales ... I think they changed the title to something about Gossip or it's now called Hey, Hey or something but here's the real gossip: Hey, Hey it's a bad song. It's all about how everybody gossips around the office and it then more or less introduces Judy to Doralee and features Ann Harada from the original cast of Avenue Q in a wasted role.

9 to 5 (Reprise) It's a reprise, it's amazing. What do you want from me?

The One I Love is a LOVELY song that brings background depth to our lead females characters. The 'Our Town' minimalisim sucks because you just came from the office, but it services a lovely song that a cabaret soloist is SURE to include in their repertore...

Backwoods Barbie is Doralee's first solo and is perfect. While people will be familiar with it from Dolly's latest album, it works really well in the show but for some reason lends itself to opening up the option that Doralee is as aware of herself as Dolly Parton is.

Dance O’ Death, Cowgirl’s Revenge and Potion Notion are all the dream sequences of killing Hart and the finale of the three is probably the best part. Not because it's over, but just because seeing everyone in their 'castle" outfits is pretty great. Judy's dream is TOTALLY different, which is a strange choice. Doralee's dream looks like Madonna's Don't Tell Me video and Violet's dream was just another example of how Ms. Janney isn't really up to selling a number no matter how fun it is.

Somewhere around here we're introduced to a B Plotline and a love interest for Violet. Why? I don't know, but Andy Karl as Joe is giving Dan Futterman a run for his money.

Heart to Hart is PROBABLY the best number of Act One, which is weird because Roz (Kathy Fitzgerald) sings it. (and since when does Roz deserve a song...let alone a C Plotline? Bizarre choice, but totally enjoyable)

I Killed the Boss! is the WORST solution to editting the steal-the-body-car-crash-pulled-over-by-the-cop-short-in-the-trunk-another-stiff-in-the-john scenes I've ever seen. It was like watching the Morphine Tango from the stage version of Kiss of the Spider Woman throw up on Some Fun Now from the film version of Little Shop of Horrors.

It was during this scene change that the set broke down, so Dolly Parton got up from her seat and brilliantly took matters into her own hands answering questions, describing her experience writing music for the show while working with the creators and THEN she got everyone in the audience to sing 9 to 5. When finding out they needed a little more time asked the orchestra to play I WIll Always Love You and asked the audience to sing along with her during the chorus:

From The Mezzanine

From the Floor.

Shine Like the Sun is the Act One Finale and was more or less worth the wait.


Now then, if you're still with me, which I wouldn't be because I sorta wanted to go home at this point, Act Two started:


Entr’acte, Self explanitory.

Around Here (Reprise) I'm pretty sure they cut this or it was just REALLY non-memorable.

One of the Boys This is TOTALLY Roxie from Chicago and I don't think Allison Janney was up for it. Which was sad, because there's a Think of Me from Phantom costume change in the middle of it and a chorus line of boys ala The American Dream from Miss Saigon and it just really seemed like she didn't care... I mean seriously: she tap-synced. WTF!?!?

5 to 9, sung by Roz. Yawn, cut it.

Mundania is Hart's OTHER number and let's just say it: YAWNIER. He's literally hanging above center stage like Peter Pan's flying machine broke midway through I'm Flying.

Willin’/Well-Oiled Machine is SUPER CUTE.

Get Out And Stay Out is as close to Defying Gravity from Wicked that Astonishing was from Little Women. Great number, good set, useless scene.

Let Love Grow Oy. Talk about a useless scene. This is the "love song" between Violet and Joe and it is sung on a planter. REALLY? A BROADWAY LOVE SONG ON A PLANTER IN AN ATRIUM OF AN OFFICE BUILDING? Yeah, it's just that awful.

Mundania (Reprise). Please make Hart stop singing. Not that Marc Kudisch is bad, not at all. It's just like Pierce Brosnan in the film version of Mamma Mia. ENOUGH ALREADY! Who cares? Move on!

Finale: 9 to 5. A BRILLIANT, FUNNY, ENERGECTIC end to the show.



Frankly they made bizarre changes that didn't need to be changed (Why would they change the nail file for Hart to escape to something else TOTALLY not within reason?) The final 1/3 of the second act could SO have been a montage and saved us all a lot of trouble. The love interest for Violet is so weird, because this show is such a GIRL POWER message, but then out of nowhere they need a guy to help them make it all happen. SHUT UP! I KNOW! What's THAT about? I couldn't tell if Doralee was the lead of the musical or if Megan Hilty was just THAT good.

Would I see it again? Here: No. On Broadway: Perhaps if I heard they made changes.

I am SO glad I got to go. I feel honored to have been there for the first night of something that can be TOTALLY amazing if they cut a bunch of stuff or fold as soon as the critics slaughter it in New York.

The Dark Knight

Now, I am NOT a big fan of action films, so when I was asked to go with my friends to see the the latest Batman movie I was in it more for spending time with people I love more than I was SOOOO excited about seeing this flick. With that being said: THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING GREAT!

With just one year passed after taking out Ra's Al Ghul's plan to have Gotham eliminated and the mysterious disappearance of Dr. Jonathan Crane AKA the Scarecrow, after the city was nearly plundered with his toxins, Bruce Wayne and his vigilante alter-ego the Batman, continue the seemingly-endless effort to bring order to Gotham, with the help of Lt. James Gordon and newly appointed District Attorney Harvey Dent, but a new threat has now emerged into the streets. The Dark Knight faces a rising psychopathic criminal called The Joker, who's eerie grin, laughter, and inhuman morality makes him more dangerous than what he has yet to unleash. It becomes an agenda to the Batman to stop the mysterious Joker at all cost, knowing that the both of them are in the opposite line. One with no method at all and seeks to see the world plunge into the fire he has yet to lit. One who represents the symbol of hope and uses his own shadow to bring the peace and order he has yet to accomplish on doing.

Oh, is THAT what it was about? Cause people were saying it was about 20 minutes too long...

I didn't think so.

I mean there could have been a little less of Maggie Gyllenhaal if I had my druthers. (Since when is Art-Deco an acting style, I ask you?) But don't get me wrong: she's fine in this and I wished I was her in the out-of-period-dress she wore in the party scene, but after loving her in Stranger Than Fiction, liking her in Happy Endings and loathing her in just about everything else she's not her brother in, I was very happy with this performance. (I think there was a compliment in there somewhere...at least there was supposed to be...)

Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne/Batman was serviceable. (No, not like that) His voice was a little Brenda Vicaro for me as Batman, but whatever, I love Brenda Vicaro. Heath Ledger was brilliant as The Joker. Academy Award winning, no. (But if Jennifer Hudson and Gwyneth Paltrow can win Oscars, SHUT UP! I KNOW!, he's a shoo in!) Aaron Eckhart (who I've never seen in anything before) was neat. (and I mean that in the Warren Beatty/Madonna/Truth or Dare kinda way) as Harvey Dent. I liked him A LOT better in his second half of the film. (and if you've already seen the film, he's a better actor when he's only half the man he's trying to be on screen.)

The Dark Knight has AMAZING action sequences, good story and and really delves into the characters we have grown to think we know. There's TONS of drama, funny bits and excellent suspense while giving us something new AND paying homage to the classic.

Now if I could just figure out why Morgan Freeman is the new God, my life would be complete.

Freaky Friday

There was nothing on TV this weekend and as I was flipping channels I came across Freaky Friday starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsey Lohan.

Why is God's name should I watch this? I've heard people say it was good, but GOOD good? SHUT UP! I KNOW! How is that possible?


So, I watched it.


and I watched it.


and I didn't hate it.



Jamie Lee Curtis is funny. Lindsay Lohan isn't slutty and a mess yet, so she's rather becoming. Especially when she becomes the mom and has to go to a formal affair, I gotta tell you: she looks simply divine.

Mark Harmon was great as the dad, but I SO wish Stephen Collins would have been booked instead, but I guess HE didn't have to work! (Oh no I didn't! YES I DID!!!) Chad Michael Murray was kind of ridiculous as the love interest, but he's pretty so I guess that's all that matters... at least that's what society tells me... (Oh no I didn't! OH YES I DID!) The ladies who own/run the Chinese restaurant are funny. Not like BAD funny, more like I actually laughed out loud at a few things they said funny.

All I know, is that before I knew it I was crying while Jamie Lee was playing for Lindsay at The House Of Blues while Jamie Lee's character was still stuck in Lindsay's character's body.

That's right, I just cried watching Freaky Friday.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?

Spring Awakening

Went and saw Spring Awakening last night and walked out.

SHUT UP! I KNOW!

This is the third Broadway show I have walked out of in my life.

The first was when my friend and I went to see Uncle Tom's Cabin (because his client was in it) and me being the show "aficionado" waited until Topsy died (because that's what happens in the 10 min version of Small House of Uncle Thomas during The King and I ) and then we walked out.

...turns out there were TWO more acts!!!! SHUT UP! I KNOW X 2!!!!

But I got to tell you, it was the worst show ever, regardless of WHOS cabin it was, so it's okay.


THEN I saw The Producers a couple of months ago, which was SO awful. (No it wasn't original cast, but it WAS a knock-off of an understudy of a replacement! (In other words: garbage)

and now Spring Awakening.


Honestly, I DO believe I have learned to lower my expectations over the years for things people rave about. (and this show EVERYONE has raved about) but frankly, it's Rent costumed by the same people who did that movie Witness (where the hell IS Kelly McGillis) featuring multiple songs from Hedwig and The Angry Inch starring the vocal styling of pretentious American Idol cast-offs performed by the amatuer future has-beens from the next revival of Annie.

I swear.

Now, I'm not gonna go on and on trashing it because...well...I have to go to work and this could take all day and I'm sure people are gonna disagree (after all kids were screaming (thankfully it subsided/they got a clue) after the first few numbers which included such top chart toppers (not) as: You Are My Bruise and Life's a Bitch), but I gotta tell you: "A" There were more flat notes belted than when Jennifer Paz hit LA with Miss Saigon and "B" the Act One Finale was a guy finger-banging a girl on an over sized porch swing then pulling down his pants to have sex with her while his ass jiggled in yellow lights during some semi-ballad called: "Say Hi Men To My Hymen".


Save your money and see the same thing in Germany under red lights for free.