When A Remake Stranger Calls

Rules when baby/housesitting:

1. If a caller breaths and doesn't ask what you're wearing, hang up. It is NOT going to turn out well.

2. Don't keep answering the phone, you stupid bitch.

3. *69 wont save you. It's all about *77 Anonymous Call Rejection!!!

4. If the ethnic maid was there one minute and is gone the next, that means she's dead. "A" Maids ALWAYS say goodbye. It's how they let you know that they know that you live like a pig. "B" They're Ethnic. Ethnics ALWAYS die first.

5. The only way you will know she is a real maid is if her name is Rosa. (Rosa? What are the writers fucking kidding me? I know SO many Hispanic people and I don't know one named Rosa! Why the stereotypical name? It's like they think Hispanic people have like 2 names! The girls: Rosa and Maria. The Guys: Carlos and Manuel. Now I'm not one to drop names (but I'm always one to point out when someone else does) but I was at an event at Jennifer Love-Hewitt's Mom's house last night (SHUT UP! I KNOW!) and her Hispanics were named Sandra and Israel. Get it together Hollywood! (Sorry... weird pet peeve I had to voice.)

6. Blondes are always bitches in horror films and die. Only the brunettes survive. If your blonde friend breaks into your housesitting gig and then suddenly disappears, she's dead. She's not playing a trick on you and you saying "This isn't funny" down a dark hallway in a big empty house won't save you. Don't be stupid. You're brunette: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!

7. Let's not leave the house when you see shadows outside, mmm-kay?


Now, that being said, I didn't hate it THAT much. Since Anne Hathaway can now officially act, Camilla Belle is the new OLD Anne Hathaway.

I screamed at a couple of parts. ALL the classics were there. When he said: "Have you checked the children?" you could feel the wave of terror through the audience. It was SO cool!

Were the endings the same though? I can't remember! Did the girl escape at the end or did she die? And I don't think I knew that that was Carole Kane. Has the bitch been around forever or what?

That reminds me: She was funny in Scrooged.

Last Holiday

Every now and then I'll be dragged to a movie that I have no interest in seeing and most of the time I'm right about why I didn't want to see it. (after all I am a Capricorn.) However, every once in a while I will be pleasantly surprised and thus thankful that I was dragged taken.

Case in point: Last Holiday


The short and sweet synopsis of this fab film:

Georgia Byrd (Queen Latifah) lives a small life tucked inside big dreams. By accident she learns her days are numbered thus she throws caution to the wind and embarks on a dream holiday to do everything she ever thought was possible.


"A" That Queen Latifah is one charming bitch. DAMN charming. How charming you may be asking? Charming enough to make you laugh one minute and cry the next, all the while feeling inspired to change your life. (and for an hour and 52 minutes, that's pretty damn charming if you ask me.)

"B" Timothy Hutton plays the biggest cock sucker ever! Right up there with Rebecca De Mornay in the Hand that Rocks The Cradle... or Kyle MacLachlan in Showgirls... (but not as bad as Bette Davis in What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. Okay?!)

"C" When did LL Cool J get so cute and approachable?

"D" Gérard Depardieu is the new Arnold Schwarzenegger. SHUT UP! I KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SAYING!?!?!?


Go see this. Love this. Quit your job, get your hair done and then do an at home clothes montage set to music. (Preferably Evita's 'Rainbow High'.)

You will not regret it.

The Family Stone

The Family Stone

Sure it's been out for over a month but when I checked out what was playing at the local theaters THAT was the one that screamed out for me...well, not screamed but said :"Hey Bitch! I'm the best thing out right now so don't be stupid!" and usually I don't listen to movies that call me names and I always try to avoid movies that star people I like but don't look very good, but when someone told me that someone dies in this film, I was all over it.

Steel Magnolias Part Deux? SWEET!

Your cast includes:
Claire Danes - Looking healthy. Great hair.
Diane Keaton - Looking Old (Can someone please tell her no more glasses in movies or real life please. It's old! ...but then again so is she so nevermind...)
Rachel McAdams - Liked her better in the second half of the movie, but she was WAY better in this film than pink Red Eye.
Dermot Mulroney - Is he getting sexier? Yummeee! DO ME! DO ME!!!
Craig T. Nelson - LOVED him! I'd love to ask him what he's been doing all this time, but it's kind of apparent: He's been eating.
Luke Wilson - Can't stand him most of the time, but he was totally charming in this flick.
Tyrone Giordano - I'm sorry: Cute, Gay AND Deaf? Perfect. Now I can say whatever I want and not worry about the repercussions.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Her mole on the chin thing is borderline Ewan McGregor Bendi/Welt on the forehead thingy... MUST be removed.

The film as a whole: Good. It was long in a couple parts (and by long I mean TOTALLY boring. We get the point SJP, they hate you) but once the film hits it's mid-way marks and ALL the story lines are laid down, my range of emotions were called upon: Anger, pity, loss, struggle, need, frustration, exhilaration, want, happiness and fulfillment.

I guess you could call it a Romantic Comedy that takes a turn down Holiday Drama road. I walked out of that theater thinking about life and love and relationships and how great the right relationship is/will be and how no matter what people act like, it doesn't mean that's the way they are, it just means that's the way they're being.


Except of course for George W. Bush, that bastard.

King Kong...or as I like to call it: King GONG!

Oh my God I want to die.

Three Hours?!?!?! Three hours I will never get back!!!! Three FREAKIN' Hours of what: 82 storylines???? AGGHHHHH!!!!!!!



Okay, Me and Klotzy went to see King Kong and I think I have yet another title for these reviews: "And it's called a Bargain Matinee because WHY?"

Webster's Dictionary definition of BARGAIN is: "Something whose value considerably exceeds its cost."

UMM, HELLO!??!?!?! The last film I saw that even remotely came close was...well... The Legend Of Billie Jean I guess... (I am SO writing a strongly worded letter to someone about this! ...)

ANYWAY: King Gong, I went to the bathroom twice and refilled my drink once. There. That's my review.

Would you like a more in depth with bouts of screaming in CAPS? Okay then:

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT! (Not as bad as The Butterfly Effect or Rumor Has It (don't get me started on THAT one) but it was awful.) Jack Black can lick my crack. MMM-K?

Dinosaurs? What are you kidding me? What does that have to do with anything?!!!?

And what's the problem with that Captain? And the creepy kid! What's HIS deal? Or Chocolat from Moulin Rouge? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!? Is this movie called King Kong and Friends? No. I don't think so.

I will say Naomi Watts I didn't hate and usually I do. She's got a great face for hats.

But what the fuck is that casting? The extras, exteriors, interiors, wardrobe... ALL period but THEN THAT LEAD CAST? YOU MUST BE JOKING!!!?!

Fine, the action was great. BUT WHAT DID IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? That final scene was out of that 80's video game Rampage for God's sake...

Fine, there was that one part I couldn't watch because it was so gross/creepy/disgusting... I'm sure I could have watched it had it had ANYTHING to do with anything!!!

(Breathe...Breathe.... inhale...exhale...)

But guess what Marys, IT DIDN'T!

However, when the elephant sank or whatever happened at the end, Naomi Watts was pretty genius (in other words I was moved) but to have it wrapped up with Jack Black's stupid line about how the airplanes didn't kill it. Beauty killed the beast. OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE.

Oh, and I'm starting a fund to get a nose job for Adrien Brody... he looks like one of those guys from Spy Vs. Spy...

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Gei-blah, is more like it.

Shortest review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink.


Longer review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink with sumo pseudo-prostitution and lots of rain.




Longest review: Explain this 'Karate Kid' honor thing. I've NEVER gotten it. ALL THREE Karate Kid's, that Pokemon flick and now the Gei-blah. What's these people's damage? If you get wronged, quit holding it in for lifetimes (or two hours of a film which sometimes feels like a lifetime) and just say something and get it over with. Or do like they do in those ghetto movies and just shoot them before they can get a word out edgewise and therefore expand that particular plotline.

I'm just saying...

Anyway, back to the film review: It was very pretty, but just like Jessica Simpson, there wasn't much there. It was kind of long and drawn out. It had a happy ending WHICH I LIKED, but near the end it turned into Miss Saigon and I had already saw that show and I didn't need to see it again.




If you like Jessica Simpson go see this, if you don't: watch Madonna's Nothing Really Matters video. It's only three and a half minutes long and it's just as good if not better.

The FIRST 'Review For Jake':

Jake suggested on a previous post that perhaps I should make movie reviews a recurring event, so I should like to kick this off with Brokeback Mountain which I caught last night at a midnight screening. (Like I was gonna pass THAT up?!?!? A theater full of gays yearning for love that gets out after the bars close?! SHUT UP! I KNOW! I'm in!)

Anyway, back to the movie:

A. Beautiful to watch.
B. Fell in love with Heath Ledger.
C. Cried, cried and cried again.
D. Horrified that I saw Anne Hathaway's tits.
E. Wished by the 2 hour point that they would just take a Polaroid and drive off a cliff.

Now I'm not saying the movie is a "Nix". I WAS emotionally moved, my heart WAS broken and I finally understood how flannel is sexy.

But I'm also not saying it is a "Picks" either. I get it: they're in the mountains. I get it: they can't ever be together. I get it: they can't ever be together in the mountains. (I'll spare you my Les Miz/Schindler's List length of movie/show joke... feel free to enter your own though please...)

...Maybe this shouldn't be called "Flix Picks or Nix", maybe it should be called: "Why I wish movies were still $5.00!"

Rent, The Movie

I did, as many did, go and catch RENT the movie, and I reiterate: RENT THE MOVIE!

Now when I saw it on Broadway my first thought was "GOD, THIS IS LOUD" and my second thought was "HEY, I PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO SIT FRONT ROW MEZZ, AREN'T THEY EVEN GONNA ACKNOWLEDGE US DURING SEASONS OF LOVE?"

FYI: No, they weren't going to.

Also during said performance, there was not ONE original cast member (THEY WERE ALL UNDERSTUDIES!!! The "Being Played By" wall in the lobby looked like the Vietnam Memorial. SHUT UP! I KNOW! My favorite/most loathed part was when the black girl in Seasons Of Love handed off her high note to the little asian girl next to her. She even did it with a "Vanna White" kinda of presentation.

It was pretty tragic. That's not true... there was really NOTHING pretty about it. I started feeling while watching RENT the same way I felt during Les Miz: DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM ALL TO DIE? (But then I found that in Les Miz I had to wait for them all to comeback as ghosts!!! HOW LONG IS THAT FUCKING SHOW!!???

But I crossdress digress... Things I hated about Rent the movie:

-That it looks like they shot the film on The Little Shop of Horrors set.
-Roger's hair
-That they didn't update ANYTHING
-EVERY dancing sequence.
-How "tragically dark" it was shot for theatrical purposes
-The drama everyone made over how old everyone was. (It didn't have anything to do with anything so what was the big deal?)


Things I LOVED about Rent the movie:
-Rosario Dawson
-The Funeral/"I'll Cover You" (Reprise) scene. (Freakin' PERFECT!)