Eyes of Laura Mars

Eyes of Laura Mars is the subject of today's review.

Ahhh, Faye Dunaway. Now, I love me some crazy. You MUST know that by now.


I was watching the extras of Supergirl (Yes, they have an entire making of special on the new Supergirl DVD! Umm, when are they gonna release The Legend of Billie Jean, damn it?) with my niece and nephews awhile ago and that was when I realized that, THAT film must have been the turning point of when Faye had begun to go insane. See, she does this whole crazy bag lady acting intro thing (think 'Downtown' from Little Shop Of Horrors' mixed with 'The Finale' from Sunset Boulevard) where she's welcoming you to the set of her next big film. (Faye, it's Supergirl honey.) It's crazy. Anyway, I've always wanted to see old movies before the insanity kicked in and while I was at the video store (yes THE video store, not A video store) here in P-Town , I was browsing the Cult section and the owner, Fun Lesbian #1, said I HAD to get Eyes of Laura Mars...

Fun Lesbian #1: You HAVE to get it!

Me: Is it good?

Fun Lesbian #1: SO good.

Me: If it's good, then why is it in Cult?

Fun Lesbian #1: Listen, do you like Fashion?

Me: Duh.

Fun Lesbian #1: Do you like suspense?

Me: ummm...Yeah!

Fun Lesbian #1: Do you remember the 70's?

Me (thinking 'I know you don't think I was alive and fully functioning in the 70's!' Alas, who really was, right?): ...no...



So I rented it... on VHS. (chills) The plot goes a little something like: Faye plays a fashion photographer, named Laura Mars, that is at the height of her career when suddenly she can see through the eyes of a serial killer as he commits his crimes. Of course only when she's doing something important...like work...or drinking... She contacts the police and with the aid of a police detective, tries to stop the killer. But first, they have to figure out who it is. Dun, Dun...dun!


There is AMAZING 70's fashion (both her photo shoots AND her own wardrobe), good suspense, Tommy Lee Jones at like 20 years old, Faye Dunaway with what looks like the beginning of her lazy eye thing and a theme song by Barbra Streisand.

The only way this movie could be any gayer is if naked homos were running across the screen with glitter shooting out of their asses.

The DaVinci Code

This weekend I went on a hunt for a good movie with plot, characters, drama... maybe a little comedy thrown in... AND something that "everyone" is going to go see. So, The DaVinci Code is what made the final selection.



Decode this people: EBCDIC REID HONG VIA IS TON



If you think it says: BACONNECTED DR HOG I VII IS... you're wrong.




If you think it says: THE DAVINCI CODE IS BORING... BINGO!!!! You're today's big winner!



When did people start talking so much? What am I watching Les Miz?! Jesus this movie was long. It could have ended like 3 times. (At one point I leaned over to Warwickstein and said "He's not gonna have to walk all the way back to where he just came from is he?" 'Cause I had to go potty damn it!)

And can we talk about flashbacks? Oy. There were SO many flashbacks, that I started having hotflashes... and I'm not even going though MANopause yet...

Half the people I couldn't understand what they were saying, 3/4 of the movie I was trying to figure out just how much salt Tom Hanks has been eating in the last few years and the entire length of the film I kept thinking: who cares?

I mean seriously people: WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!? AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SAYING 'BEWARE OF THE DWARF ALBINO!?!?'

Blah, Blah, Blog she's French. Blah, Blah, Blog, he's a cripple. Blah, Blah, Blog he's a ghost, no an angel no a ghost.

One thing I will say, is that I heard a review about the film that said there was NO action, good plot twists, etc. and I totally disagree. There WERE plot twists! There WAS great action, but between those exciting events it was a lecture on history, church and a poor girl's fucked up childhood.

Ugh, drain, snore.

An American Haunting

Last night I went and saw An American Haunting and I have to tell you: It's Hauntingly awful.


Like for reals ya'all.



"A" Dear Sissy Spacek,

Don't.

Just stop.

I forgave you for "Blast from The Past" and I also forgave you for "The Ring 2". I'm sure some people don't know that you were the voice of Anne Uumellmahaye in "The Man With Two Brains", but I do. You kicked ass in 'Carrie' and you kicked ass in 'Night Mother'. You've been nominated 6 times for an Oscar and won 1. What are YOU doing in this trash chute of a movie? Donald Sutherland, I understand. He's awful in everything! (We get it Donald: you're an "Actor". Please bring it down a little, mmm-kay?) But YOU Sissy? Bad. BAAAADDDD SISSY!

"B" Since when does loud=scary? (They must have went to the Dakota Fanning school of film making. SCREAMING IS NOT ACTING DAKOTA!!!)

"C" This movie is bad. Not bad/good like Basic Instinct 2 but bad BAD. Like, when people were laughing it was because it was SO bad and SO long and SO ridiculous, we as the audience couldn't take it anymore. At one point the girl gets pulled by her hair by "the ghost" and ends up looking like Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. Showing here:



My other favorite part is when "the ghost" is panning and tilting flying around the room and the slave maid gives this look into camera like: "Molly, you in danger girl." It was so dead on, I said it out loud and got a laugh. SHUT UP! I KNOW!


"D" My suggestion: If you want to see a scary movie, go see Scary Movie. You'll probably laugh cause you're suppose to.

"E" James D'Arcy is hot. (Even in a terrible period piece.)

Basic Instinct 2

My Basic Instinct was I HAD to go see this movie.

Last night was my friend Greg's Birthday 'drinks and a movie' night, so we went over to Farmers Market and grabbed a beer, then walked over to The Grove to catch the 8pm showing of: Basic Instinct 2.

Dun, Dun, Dunnnnn.



We walked into the theater expecting it to be empty, but there were probably 30 or so people there. Almost totally gay, minus the Asian couple behind us and the girl that was in our party. (Who knew we were a target audience?)


Short review:
It's Laugh Out Loud Awful. LIKE, REALLY awful. Like, worse than you could think.

Longer Review:
It's Laugh Out Loud Awful. LIKE, REALLY awful. Like, worse than you could think. (Like, two people from our group walked out because it was so bad.)

From the opening Fade In till the final Fade Out: I laughed, I covered my eyes, I covered my ears and I tried to go to sleep. I tried to figure out in WHAT order this thing was shot, I tried to figure out WHY it was shot. (Turns out Ms. Stone got paid $14 million against 15 percent of gross receipts, estimated at $93.3 million and FYI: in case you didn't hear, the film opened at #10 and brought in only $3,201,420 at the Box Office and this week it was #16 behind The Shaggy Dog and Larry The Cable Guy. Ouch.) All that and they also managed to work in a pantsuit for La Stone.

Now let's talk wig hair:

Who was the hair stylist on this job, Ray Charles? Maybe THIS is what killed him! Could NO ONE tell her hair was falling off her head for half the movie? It changed colors, it changed shapes, it changed textures,
it had bangs, it had layers...it had layered bangs
... what it didn't have was Bobby Pins.

...and there's the wardrobe:

What is that a trash bag? A Sleeping Bag? A Body Bag?


Things I never thought I would hear in a movie:
Catherine Tramell: Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.

Roy Washburn: What were you doing at 100 miles per hour?
Catherine Tramell: He was making me cum. And it was 110, we must've hit a pothole.
Roy Washburn: Kevin Franks died, you don't seem very worried.
Catherine Tramell: I am worried, worried that I'll never cum again.

Catherine Tramell: Some people like blondes, others like murderers.


Things I never thought I would say during a movie:
"If this is going to turn into another lesbian scene I am SO out of here."
"I love the movie Charlotte Rampling's acting in."
"Can you really jack off a dead guy?" (SHUT UP! I KNOW!)




HERE'S the Uncensored Promo reel containing the lesbian scene (I KNEW IT!), the 3-Way (I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING) and other scenes that were cut because they actually moved the plot forward.

Volver

This week's Reviews for Jake is of: Volver starring Penelope Cruz and a bunch of other names you don't know. (It's okay, I don't know them either!)


Click HERE for the full review

V For Vendetta

Loved it.


Like, I REALLY loved it.



Like, I walked out of the theater and said to my friends: "I'm a little amazed about how much I loved it."


I don't know if everyone/anyone has seen it yet, so I don't want to say too much because I went in to it not thinking ANYTHING about it. I didn't really know what it was about. (It kinda looked like a horror or thriller film, and I gotta tell you: any film that seems like it's going to torture Natalie Portman after all the years of her torturing us, I'm totally up for.)

There is suspense, love, action, comedy, style and mystery. Everything you could ask for in a movie. If you've already seen the film you should check out the site link above. It's got GREAT content. (If you haven't seen the film and don't like spoilers, then I would wait or be VERY careful of what links you click on.)

There WERE two parts where I was just about to loose interest (I get it: you're laying plot. Please continue.) But just when I was about to be completely over it, something happened and I was back in.

In other words: GO SEE THIS FILM!


A couple of my favorite lines from the movie came from V:
'A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having.'

'People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people.'

SHUT UP! I KNOW! Viva La Vie Boheme!
(Different movie, but I think you get the point...)

Failure to Laugh Launch.

The latest S.J.P. mess-terpiece.

Now, I would like to start with a special thanks to her manager/hair stylist/best homo helper/friend for FINALLY giving Miss Thang some new hair. MAKE CARRIE BRADSHAW GO AWAY!!!! We have every episode on DVD and/or burned into our memory. We got it. She's got great hair. Now, let's cut it off. Let's dye it dark brown (yes, it's not just for the commercials honey), MY GOD, EVEN PERM THE BITCH! I just don't care. I can't take it wavy or blown out straight one more time!!!


...I'm sorry, where was I?... Oh..she had new hair... Thank you.



In this film, Matthew McConaughey was pulling a Ryan Reynolds from Amityville Horror with the amount of shirtless shots he had. (I think that's the new Movie Red Flag. ***If the stars have their clothes off too many times (for no apparent reason), it means they are trying to distract you from what is being said or happening on screen! REMEMBER THAT!)


Zooey what's-her-name is funny. I will say that. We laughed at almost EVERYTHING she did. Afterward S. Dwayne reminded me that she was in The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston... WE DIED LAUGHING during THIS scene where Zooey's character works at a cosmetics counter in a crappy store with a hysterically crappy attitude:

Old Woman: I look too white, don't you think?
Zooey: Not at all. I'm just trying to match your face with your hair. I was thinking you're not white enough.
Old Woman: I think I look kind of weird.
Zooey: The first rule of fashion is you have to look weird. What I'm doing has come straight here from France.
Old Woman: Oh?
Zooey: It's called Cirque du Face, meaning "Circus of the Face", and it's all the rage with the Frenchies, ma'am.








OH and Justin Bartha TOTALLY rocked too!







A lot of 'Launch' fell flat (I mean, how do you make Kathy Bates appear untalented?), Sarah Jessica squeaks...A LOT, and EVERYONE has great teeth. I guess the short review is this:

If you want to see an almost romantic comedy that tries to be 'Something About Mary' at times with its bad, bad, BAD gags that bring silence to an almost full theater, but can't get off the ground because the best players are the supporting cast that has to repeat the same old "You're running from love, Man!" dialogue. Then this film is for you. If you hate that shit, take a number and wait for something better... like her next film:

Spinning into Butter

A hate crime on the campus of a New England college puts the school's dean (Parker) in a position where she has to examine her own feelings about race and prejudice, while maintaining her administration's politically correct policies.

SHUT UP! I KNOW! BaRf, PuKe, BELCH!!!!


If you DO have 97 minutes to kill and you have nothing to do, I urge you to catch this film if only for Zooey Whoseywhatsit's performance and the amazingly awful/ridiculously hysterical (because they are SO obvious) reshoots they edit into the wrap up scene where Sarah Jessica Parker goes from this:



TO THIS:


AND BACK TO THIS:


...like no one's gonna notice...