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Material Girls

I'm pretty sure I've told you about my friend Dwayne who I love to go/get dragged to the movies with. We have this knack of seeing EVERY awful movie EVER seen. The worst part is, is that I'm the first one to walk out of something in real life but Dwayne wants to see what happens because: "it couldn't get any worse, right?"...

Now I'll admit it's a positive outlook for today's movie industry, but I'm pretty sure we all know by now that it's never true. (and I blame Striptease for that!) THUS when I had to review Material Girls alone, I was super excited because if I wanted to walk out: I could.

However, when I gathered my Junior Mints and Cherry Coke to leave the movie theater after hearing the opening credits with Hailey Duff's version of Material Girl, I remembered I was there for work (SABOTAGE!) and couldn't walk out NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GOT!!!!

And "Bad it got" it did!

So, ladies and gentlemen I bring you Material Girls @ Hollywood.com

Little Miss Sunshine

HEY GANG! Check out my ALL NEW review at Hollywood.com of Little Miss Sunshine.



FYI: I went to see "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" (SHUT UP! I KNOW!) while I was in Rhode Island (Don't ask me why) and well, all I can say is that Will Ferrell is SO the new Chris Farley...

...but alive...

The Devil Wears Prada

Oh, the magic that IS Meryl Streep.

Even in the (not "a" but "the") Provincetown movie theater...which seats 45 people..., Ms. Streep had done it again. The subtle eyes, the placement of a hand, that extra moment she decides to give to or take from you... her brilliance shines once again in The Devil Wears Prada.

Well, not even shines...explodes.

The movie from beginning to end had the audience (myself included) cheering, clapping and screaming... it was pretty brilliant. The story, as if you didn't know already, is (according to IMDB): a naive young woman (Anne Hathaway) comes to New York and scores a job as the assistant to one of the city's biggest magazine editors, the ruthless and cynical Miranda Priestly (Streep). But it's SO much more than that. It's about relationship struggles, reaching for your goals, fighting to keep your sense of self and knowing sometimes you can't... it's EVERYTHING we've all been through or will go through at one point in our lives. (but of course dressed in D&G, Lagerfield and Chanel as opposed to the Banana Republic, Filene's Basement and Burdines we're use to.)

(OH! Remind me to tell you about the time I was a Personal Assistant to a Beverly Hills Socialite for almost two years. She was married to one of the richest men in Los Angeles... WORSE than Miranda Priestly... and honey, have I got stories!)

Anyway, where was I?

This film has everything: Love, passion, hate, greed, envy, hope, charisma, loss, power and most important of all: a makeover. Who knew getting bangs would put your life on the right track?

Bangs and the right shoes of course.



The comedy is there, like Richard Simmons in sequins but without the perm: Big, Flashy and in your face, while the heart and message is what sneaks up on you like a case of Herpes. You know what I mean? It's like you feel something happening, but you don't see anything and then all at once you're crying because it was there all along. SHUT UP! I KNOW! I cried twice! (Not because of the herpes people, because of movie...)


Now for the screening I went to, a couple of things happened.

1. The Devil Wore Khaki Shorts and Birkenstocks. The most evil lesbian EVER slipped on the way to her seat (not dropping any of her popcorn mind you) and then turned around, went to get the theater manager and came back pointing and yelling about how her attorney was going to sue them because blah, blah, blah....

"Yikes" was all the poor little theater manager girl could get out. It was very thematic. (As I think back, I wonder if it was actually one of those pre-shows like they have at The El Capitan... hmmm...)

2. The film stopped during Meryl Streep's first monologue letting Miss Hathaway HAVE IT! Picture it: Provincetown, 2006: The audience was leaning forward getting wrecked listening to Miranda Priestly tell this newbie all about how just because the newbie thinks that the simple blue cable knit sweater she's wearing to show everyone that fashion has nothing to do with her is actually the point that fashion makes. You know, that fashion makes whatever point you want it to, even trying to exclude yourself from it by dressing a certain way shows that you ARE included in it because you've already used it for what it's supposed to do and-

***POW**** the screen goes black, the lights come up and the theater manager (yep, same one) pops out of some Wizard of Oz "Who rang that bell?" portal and says it'll be about 5 minutes. SHUT UP! I KNOW! x2. (The Devil Wore Khaki Shorts and Birkenstocks went INSANE!) Then of course the movie doesn't start back at the top of the monologue or even where it stopped, but cuts half way into the next scene.

Ugh. I (heart) Provincetown.


Anyway, GO SEE THIS MOVIE, then come back and answer me these questions:

1. How can you choose: Career or love? Isn't one a means to the other?

2. Why do people always say people don't change? People ALWAYS change...don't they?

3. What does it take for you to give up?

4. Sometimes we make choices or do things because "we had/have to". That isn't our fault, is it?

5. Can someone actually wear a boatneck sweater over a button up top, or is Patricia Field really just a God?

Eyes of Laura Mars

Eyes of Laura Mars is the subject of today's review.

Ahhh, Faye Dunaway. Now, I love me some crazy. You MUST know that by now.


I was watching the extras of Supergirl (Yes, they have an entire making of special on the new Supergirl DVD! Umm, when are they gonna release The Legend of Billie Jean, damn it?) with my niece and nephews awhile ago and that was when I realized that, THAT film must have been the turning point of when Faye had begun to go insane. See, she does this whole crazy bag lady acting intro thing (think 'Downtown' from Little Shop Of Horrors' mixed with 'The Finale' from Sunset Boulevard) where she's welcoming you to the set of her next big film. (Faye, it's Supergirl honey.) It's crazy. Anyway, I've always wanted to see old movies before the insanity kicked in and while I was at the video store (yes THE video store, not A video store) here in P-Town , I was browsing the Cult section and the owner, Fun Lesbian #1, said I HAD to get Eyes of Laura Mars...

Fun Lesbian #1: You HAVE to get it!

Me: Is it good?

Fun Lesbian #1: SO good.

Me: If it's good, then why is it in Cult?

Fun Lesbian #1: Listen, do you like Fashion?

Me: Duh.

Fun Lesbian #1: Do you like suspense?

Me: ummm...Yeah!

Fun Lesbian #1: Do you remember the 70's?

Me (thinking 'I know you don't think I was alive and fully functioning in the 70's!' Alas, who really was, right?): ...no...



So I rented it... on VHS. (chills) The plot goes a little something like: Faye plays a fashion photographer, named Laura Mars, that is at the height of her career when suddenly she can see through the eyes of a serial killer as he commits his crimes. Of course only when she's doing something important...like work...or drinking... She contacts the police and with the aid of a police detective, tries to stop the killer. But first, they have to figure out who it is. Dun, Dun...dun!


There is AMAZING 70's fashion (both her photo shoots AND her own wardrobe), good suspense, Tommy Lee Jones at like 20 years old, Faye Dunaway with what looks like the beginning of her lazy eye thing and a theme song by Barbra Streisand.

The only way this movie could be any gayer is if naked homos were running across the screen with glitter shooting out of their asses.

The DaVinci Code

This weekend I went on a hunt for a good movie with plot, characters, drama... maybe a little comedy thrown in... AND something that "everyone" is going to go see. So, The DaVinci Code is what made the final selection.



Decode this people: EBCDIC REID HONG VIA IS TON



If you think it says: BACONNECTED DR HOG I VII IS... you're wrong.




If you think it says: THE DAVINCI CODE IS BORING... BINGO!!!! You're today's big winner!



When did people start talking so much? What am I watching Les Miz?! Jesus this movie was long. It could have ended like 3 times. (At one point I leaned over to Warwickstein and said "He's not gonna have to walk all the way back to where he just came from is he?" 'Cause I had to go potty damn it!)

And can we talk about flashbacks? Oy. There were SO many flashbacks, that I started having hotflashes... and I'm not even going though MANopause yet...

Half the people I couldn't understand what they were saying, 3/4 of the movie I was trying to figure out just how much salt Tom Hanks has been eating in the last few years and the entire length of the film I kept thinking: who cares?

I mean seriously people: WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!? AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SAYING 'BEWARE OF THE DWARF ALBINO!?!?'

Blah, Blah, Blog she's French. Blah, Blah, Blog, he's a cripple. Blah, Blah, Blog he's a ghost, no an angel no a ghost.

One thing I will say, is that I heard a review about the film that said there was NO action, good plot twists, etc. and I totally disagree. There WERE plot twists! There WAS great action, but between those exciting events it was a lecture on history, church and a poor girl's fucked up childhood.

Ugh, drain, snore.

An American Haunting

Last night I went and saw An American Haunting and I have to tell you: It's Hauntingly awful.


Like for reals ya'all.



"A" Dear Sissy Spacek,

Don't.

Just stop.

I forgave you for "Blast from The Past" and I also forgave you for "The Ring 2". I'm sure some people don't know that you were the voice of Anne Uumellmahaye in "The Man With Two Brains", but I do. You kicked ass in 'Carrie' and you kicked ass in 'Night Mother'. You've been nominated 6 times for an Oscar and won 1. What are YOU doing in this trash chute of a movie? Donald Sutherland, I understand. He's awful in everything! (We get it Donald: you're an "Actor". Please bring it down a little, mmm-kay?) But YOU Sissy? Bad. BAAAADDDD SISSY!

"B" Since when does loud=scary? (They must have went to the Dakota Fanning school of film making. SCREAMING IS NOT ACTING DAKOTA!!!)

"C" This movie is bad. Not bad/good like Basic Instinct 2 but bad BAD. Like, when people were laughing it was because it was SO bad and SO long and SO ridiculous, we as the audience couldn't take it anymore. At one point the girl gets pulled by her hair by "the ghost" and ends up looking like Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. Showing here:



My other favorite part is when "the ghost" is panning and tilting flying around the room and the slave maid gives this look into camera like: "Molly, you in danger girl." It was so dead on, I said it out loud and got a laugh. SHUT UP! I KNOW!


"D" My suggestion: If you want to see a scary movie, go see Scary Movie. You'll probably laugh cause you're suppose to.

"E" James D'Arcy is hot. (Even in a terrible period piece.)