Love Never Dies...but it's killing Musical Theatre.

Picture it: Melbourne, 2011. I'm walking the streets of Melbourne, Australia, taking in both the amazing sights and amazing people, when I stumble upon a marquee for Love Never Dies.

Heaven.

Friends in other countries talk about how the U.S. always get things first, but here I was in Australia and here was the show that everyone was talking about that WAS NOT coming to the U.S. anytime soon.

Apparently for good reason.

So the show takes place 10 years AFTER The Phantom of the Opera ends... and EVERY CHARACTER makes sure you're reminded of it. I swear to God, this should have been called Ten Years Ago, because EVERY song starts that way.

Meg: "Ten years ago, I was a GOOD dancer." Madame Giry: "Ten Years Ago Meg USED to be a good dancer." Christine: "Ten years ago I was an ingenue." Raoul: "Ten Years ago I was sober." Phantom: "Ten years ago my life was an emotional roller coaster, now I live under one!" The Show: "Ten years ago, I was relevant."

It really goes on and on...

Story recap:
The Phantom misses Christine and sends her an invite to Coney Island to make her American Debut. She accepts without knowing the sender and comes with Raoul and a son. (smart people have already figured something out at this point both in the theatre and in this review)

A VERY "As If We Never Said Goodbye" entrance ensues.

Okay, so the show is kinda sorta REALLY about Meg...and this awful giant revolving mask ...and the touring set from Carousel.Could there BE anymore shit on that stage?"


Okay, where was I? So, Madame Giry runs this Coney Island carnival called Phantasma. (really, and Christine has NO idea who sent her the invite!?!?) Meg is the star, now, and her and Giry are really bugged that the Phantom hasn't come to any of the shows, so they sing a song reminiscing of how she and Meg smuggled him from Paris.

SMUGGLED him.

...He's apparently The Phantom of the Cocaine, now.

The sweet charming Raoul is now a drunk, gambling and physically abusive redneck. (What a difference ten years makes, girl!) The Phantom pulls a Phantom entrance with Christine's son and wants to show Gustave (the son) more of Phantasma. He tells Christine that she must sing for him again or she will return home without the boy.

(Doesn't The Phantom know how to say 'Please'? I mean really, are we STILL doing ultimatums TEN YEARS LATER!?!? Ugh.)

Meg finds out Christine will be singing and is PISSED off, so Giry tells Raoul that the Phantom is the one who invited Christine. There's the whole 'going down to the lair' scene, almost identical to the original (including the loud rock and roll guitars) and it's revealed that the boy is the Phantom's son.

Yeah, nobody saw THAT coming.



Anyhoo, Blah, Blah, Blah. The music is blah, the script is blah, the story is blah.



The show itself is laughable. Seriously. I laughed out loud twice and gafawed once. WHO WANTS TO WATCH A SHOW ABOUT MEG!?!? The show I saw NOBODY cared about what they were singing, talking about OR doing. I'm talking stage actors AND audience.

Except for The Phantom. This guy LOVED the show he was in. He was LIVING in it. THAT was actually cool to watch him be like "I know the rest of you hate this show, but I'm gonna pretend like it's a full house and we're the toast of Melbourne." (both of which, were not true) and that fucker sang his face off.

Good on ya, son!


Okay, so Act two (after MANY audience members walked out) it's revealed that The Phantom will leave EVERYTHING he has to his son and Meg and Giry FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Next thing you know the kid disappears and no one knows where he is.

Insert song: "That Bitch, Meg".

I SWEAR to God, then THIS happens: The next scene is Meg trying to drown Christine's son. DROWN! (IS THIS SHOW OUT OF IT'S FUCKING MIND!?!?) When The Phantom confront her, Meg pulls out a gun. A FUCKING GUN!!! Then you get a song about everything she's done for The Phantom INCLUDING BEING A HOOKER TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE THEME PARK!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M PRETTY SURE LOVE IS DEAD AT THIS POINT, NO!?!?

THEN The Phantom tries to get the gun from her and a gunshot goes off! (OH MY "CLUE": WHO GOT SHOT!??!)

Tragically, it wasn't the author, composer or Meg.

Now see, I walk out of EVERYTHING, but this I HAD to see what happened. I mean it kept getting worse and worse, while the costumes kept getting better and better for no apparent reason. What am I a crow? Am I a theatre crow who just looks at the sparkly stuff and won't notice anything else?

NO, I'm not. I am not a theatre crow...with that said, this show is about as good as a pile of bird shit.

So then there's that.

Hereafter

After sitting in that theater for two and a half hours watching this crap flick, I'm pretty sure I died and came back! This clunker is long and boring. It wasn't until the sixty-first minute that anything ACTUALLY happens excluing the opening scene which doesn't really set anything up except for the reason for the 100 Million dollar budget!


Directed by Clint Eastwood, why I don't know, the movie tells three parallel stories about three people affected by death in different ways. Matt Damon plays George, a psychic (ala 1978's The Fury, if you ask me) and Jay Mohr plays his douche of a brother. Jenifer Lewis is in the movie for like 28 seconds, which just sucks because she's always so good. Cécile de France gives an enchanting performance as Marie and my new husband, after Austin's Weatherman Mark Chapin of course, Thierry Neuvic is wonderful to watch...and listen to speak French...and gawk at:

Here's my issue with this flick: NOTHING HAPPENS! There's a bunch of really lovely scenes. Some emotional. Some impacting. One moved me to tears! BUT NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!! It wasn't one of those "slice-of-life" films like I think they thought it was. It's more like someone's artsy attempt at trying to montage three brilliant movie ideas together, but they couldn't figure out how to, so they just end it with some abrupt Saturday Night Live skit ending because no one could think of anything else to write.

Matt Damon: yawn. Clint Eastwood's directing: yawnier. The audience walking out after the film: yawniEST!!!

You don't need to ACTUALLY die and come back to see what death is like. Go sit in a theatre and watch this mess. THAT is what death is like!

They're Playing Our Song

...no. No they are not.

Leap of Faith - The Musical

Last night I went to a preview of the new musical Leap of Faith now playing at The Ahmanson Theatre through October 24th, 2010.

The first act, is awful.

Not awful, like BAD, awful like: WHO CARES!? It's got the SAME color scheme of the musical Oklahoma, the SAME backdrop of the 'Kansas' scenes from a tour of The Wizard of Oz, the SAME costuming from a High School production of West Side Story during 'Dance at the Gym', the SAME plot of 'Ya Got Trouble' from The Music Man...the list goes on and on. Showing here:


And it's apparent I wasn't the only one who thought that, because the people next to us walked out half way through the first act...when, if I had attended this performance alone, I would have walked out too.

But I didn't. Which is a choice I am very happy with, looking back.

The second act was strong. Like REALLY strong.

And good.

As a matter of fact, the finale received a standing ovation which I was PROUDLY a part of.

...Now then, before I get ahead of myself, for those of you who DON'T know here's a short and sweet synopsis c/o Wikipedia of the musical based on the 1992 film starring Steve Martin:

"When his traveling ministry breaks down in a small Kansas town, part-time reverend and full-time con artist (Jonas Nightingale played by Raúl Esparza) quickly pitches a tent and invites the locals to a revival. The sheriff is determined to stop Jonas from separating the townspeople from their money, but Jonas’ real challenge arises when he meets a pretty waitress (Marva McGowan played by Brooke Shields) and her son, whose love forces an ultimate cynic to take a real leap of faith."

Fine, okay, good.

The first act opens with a VERY interesting dance piece. It was interesting to me because I felt that you, as an audience member, had to stop watching the dancing itself, which was fantastic, and instead step back and see what the dancing actually meant. What they were trying to convey. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it the way I loved the opening of Spring Awakening with the blue light bulbs, et al...WONDERFUL, but MUCH like Spring Awakening, it wasn't enough and it didn't set the piece up right and I wanted to walk out two musical numbers in.

Which, by the way, for Spring Awakening: I did. (Stupid, piece of shit musical...)

Speaking of musical numbers, there are WAY too many in the first act. Cut some shit, people. We get it, you've got a Gospel Choir and they can sing. We don't need eighty-two 45 minute sets from everyone. We got it with the first one, we endured the third one and after that it's overkill. Also, there are these useless ballet/dream sequence transitions thingys that happen between almost every scene change. But it's not like they are PART of the scene change, they are in addition to. A scene ends, then they come in and dance, they exit, THEN the set changes. It's like the four-time Tony Award nominee, five-time Olivier Award nominee, Emmy Award winner, Drama Desk winner, and Outer Critics Circle Award winner director/choreographer just wanted to say: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

We got it...WITH THE OPENING... and just like a guy at a bathhouse with no mouth, this isn't servicing anybody.

Raúl Esparza, frankly, I hated. WAY too cocky, nothing likable about him (which to me translates into BAD actor with worse direction), he sings WAY too hard because he's aware the audience is bored by his performance and I just kept thinking 'You're NOT Jonathan Price, this isn't The Engineer from Miss Saigon. Relax. It'll be okay." He was GREAT in one scene opposite Brooke Shields, but I think that's because Brooke Shields was acting her face off. So with THAT said, it could be just a boring script that SHE knows how to work around and he doesn't.

Which leads me to Brooke Shields.

The critics are gonna tear her apart because "She can't sing". It's not that she can't sing, it's that the music is ALL wrong for her. I thought she was great. That bitch was ACTING! She was funny, she was heartfelt, she was sincere...again, I thought she was GREAT. They just need to get someone in there that can sing THIS music or change it so it fits HER vocal range.

I mean if Glenn Close can 'sing' Sunset Boulevard, Brooke Shields can sing Leap of Faith.

Nicholas Barasch, who plays her son Boyd McGowan, was wonderful. He's stealing the show. "A" because he's good. "B" because the vocal score is PERFECT for him and "C" because he's not trying. (ARE YOU LISTENING RAÚL ESPARZA!?!?) Jarrod Emick (Sheriff Will Braverman) was LOVELY. I wish they would have made his solo MORE of a solo. Kecia Lewis-Evans was fabulous as Ida Mae. I don't get the ensemble girl dressed up like she walked in off a production of The Life, but whatever: the show needed tits and legs, and she had 'em both. Kendra Kassebaum was an interesting choice for the role of Sam, Jonas' sister. Kassebaum is REALLY funny and genuinely brilliant, which if you saw her as Glinda in Wicked you would know what I mean, but I felt that she was trying to make more out of her role than there actually was. (Which I give her props for.) Maybe she knows the show IS a comedy, or at least is SUPPOSED to be and no one else knows that. Frankly though, that doesn't make her STAND out, it makes her STICK out. I don't know. It's all very confusing. Hopefully it will all come together as the show runs.

One of the kick-ass Act Two numbers.

All in all, if you have ANY interest in seeing this show, I WOULD take a leap of faith to see if you can make it through to the second act and then onto the finale. They just need to cut a bunch of shit from the first half, move some of the act two showstoppers to the top and tell Raúl Esparza that he can't be jealous of the little boy stealing the show and that he's NOT carrying the show because Brooke Shields 'can't sing'. If you make it the entire way, I think you'll be very glad you did...as you stand there in your ovation celebrating a FANTASTIC ending to a REALLY crappy beginning.

Have some Faith. I'm glad I did.

The Town

First off, I get that it's the #1 film at the box office right now, but frankly I don't care. I'll have nun of that, thank you very much.



Did I hate it? No. Was it good? Ugh. Would I see it again? No. Would I tell friends to go see it? If they think 'Boston Accent' = acting: Yes.

"The Town is an action crime thriller starring, co-written and directed by Ben Affleck that is based on Chuck Hogan's novel Prince of Thieves."

ooOOOOooooh. Sounds deep.

As you've probably seen by the trailer, a team of four masked-men and lifelong friends from the tough streets of Charlestown Massachusetts, rob a bank and after a silent alarm is tripped by one of the employees, Jem takes the bank manager hostage.

Hmmm. Okay. I'm intrigued.

Once the team has escaped from the bank, they let her go (Yep, you guessed it: the bank manager is a pretty and dateable woman) but the loose cannon co-boss "Jem" (NOT of the Holograms, thank you) quickly realizes from taking her driver's license that she lives four blocks from Gloansy (someone's last name) and decides he should confront her to make sure she does not speak to the authorities.

Hmmm...oh...kay... but then what hap-

Doug (Affleck) fears that Jem will make things worse ('cause he's a little crazy, ya see...) and takes on the assignment himself, following her and eventually meeting up with her at a laundromat where, after noticing she is still very shaken by the robbery, he asks her out on a date.

WHO WOULDN'T!?!?

The next night, before they go out, Claire confesses that she is still traumatize- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA INTERRUPT HERE. Let me guess what happens? They fall in love? Am I right? AM I RIGHT?!?!?

Ugh. Wanna Walkout Point #1.

People: whatever you think is gonna happen. Is gonna happen. Lemme just tell you. The dialogue is laughable at parts. And I'm not just talking ME laughing out loud, I'm talking about MULTIPLE people laughing out loud and then other people laughing at those people because they were thinking the same thing. THAT is how bad the acting is.


Side note: Rebecca Hall you are NO Molly Ringwald. There will never be ANOTHER Molly Ringwald. Please stop.

Side, side note: Ben Affleck you are NO Ryan Reynolds. Put it and the accent away.


Okay where were we? Ah yes: Meanwhile, FBI agent Adam Frawley (Jon Hamm) is in charge of the case surrounding the recent robbery by MacRay and his crew. When Jem approaches Doug with another job, he initially turns it down, explaining that he is leaving town and taking blah, blah, blah...

Wanna Walkout Point #2

I didn't though, because I HAD to wait and see if someone who deserved to get shot was going to. Yep: THEY GOT ME! DAMN IT!!!

Was I glad I stayed? Honestly: yes. Much like a movie with Australian accents: once my ear adjusted, but in this case to the bad acting, there was some GREAT action. Like, better than Passenger 57. I liked the ending minus the VERY last shot. Again, laughable.

I have never thought ANYTHING about Ben Affleck, so after this performance that still holds. Um, I don't watch Mad Men, so I have NO idea about Jon Hamm but believe me when I say he's not picking up any new viewers from THIS gig. Jeremy Renner was fine. TYPICAL but fine. Blake Lively tried for her dear life to be Sharon Stone from Casino, alas no dice. Chris Cooper needed some money, so he's in there along with Victor Garber and Pete Postlethwaite.

If I were you, I would just Netflix it...and then Facebook while you're waiting for the action scenes.

In The Heights

Last night I went and saw the tour of In The Heights at The Pantages Theatre... and I loved it.

This cast was SO good. I cried over and over again, not just because of the subject matter but also because it was one of those things where you're like: They are SO good and TOTALLY singing and dancing their hearts out and this is SO amazing.

Long story SUPER short: this show is about a group of Hispanic people in Washington Heights.

If you want a little longer description: It's about family, pride, life, fulfillment and choices...set to salsa music with a dose of rap...well...WRAPPED in contemporary broadway power ballads.

Full recap would include: Usnavi owns a bodega where his cousin Sonny helps him out and everyone gets their morning coffee. Nina Rosario is home from her freshman year at Stanford having not felt the best about it. Nina's parents, Kevin and Camila are broke and their employee Benny likes Nina. At the hair salon across the street, Vanessa wants to move downtown, but can't afford to and across from them lives the 'mother' of the neighborhood Abuela Claudia.

All I knew about this show was a few of the songs: Breathe, It Won't Be Long Now and When You're Home. I was totally freaked out that those songs were ALL in the first act, like, sort of right away so I got nervous the other music wouldn't be as good because soundtrack wise, they didn't really catch my attention.

I was totally wrong.

Came home and downloaded the rest of the soundtrack. SO GOOOD!



Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the Tony Award winning score and has performed the role of Usnavi on and off AND on and off-broadway since inception. (He's also working on the film version) THis guy is STILL as fresh as EVER! AS EVER!!!!! Shaun Taylor-Corbett was freakin' AMAZING as Sonny. (This is his final week in the tour and moves to Broadway on July 29th! So if you're in L.A.: SEE HIM!!!!) Arielle Jacobs as Nina was great. My expectations of 'Breathe' were high, because Mandy Gonzalez's original broadway cast album is SO perfect and I recently cried listening to Anne Fraser Thomas sing it at her cabaret show at The Magic Castle. And while she didn't quite reach THEM, the rest of her performance was wonderful and her singing spot on.

Rogelio Douglas Jr.'s Benny was out of control brilliant. Lexi Lawson was our Vanessa (there are three on this tour for various dates) and she was sexy, sassy and throughly enjoyable. Another stand out for me was Daniel Bolero as Nina's father Kevin. He remined me of Philip Quast as Peron in the London revival of Evita. Every time Quast came on stage, you could feel the entire audience shift to watch, see, hear what he was doing. The show was called Evita, about Evita, sung 3/4 BY Evita and yet every time Philip Quast came on stage, no one gave a SHIT about Evita. THAT'S how good I thought Daniel Bolero was.

Now then, book wise, I felt like the entire first act was a bunch of sketches and novelty songs linked together. (shout out to [tos]) I get that you need to meet everybody and hear about their issues but it was WAY too simplistic. It was like they were holding a monologue competition on the set of Little Shop of Horrors on a night when the theater was dark.

However, I had Paciencia y Fe and act two was FULL of fabulousness both script wise and beyond.

I would TOTALLY go back and see it again. Great musical and emotional release. GO SEE THIS TOUR! HERE IS THE UPCOMING SCHEDULE!

The Kids Are All Right

(In honor of it being Reviews For Jake's birthday (not the blog's, but the ACTUAL Reviews for Jake person) he got to select what movie to review next! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!!!!)


Let's put it this way: The Kids Are All Right ...and the film is too.


The Kids Are All Right is about Jules and Nic, a lesbian couple, who are the mothers of two children, Joni and Laser, by artificial insemination. When Joni turns eighteen, her younger brother Laser asks her to contact the sperm bank in order to meet their biological father...and then drama occurs.

I don't care how you film it, who is in it, which theatre it's playing at or what the subject matter is: this is an art film.

A talking, BIG wordy, preachy, message film that tries to sell itself as a gay film but then only shows straight people fucking. (Not that I'm complaining about watching Mark Ruffalo's ass bouncing up and down, 'cause I'm not. I love him. But gimme a fuckin' break, Hollywood!)

I wanted to walk out twice. The first time I gathered my stuff to leave but then the actors finally STOPPED using big words and sentences (that I think were supposed to make me think / impress me with their "brainy" script) and decided to do something. So I stayed.

Glad I did. It finally started to get interesting.

The second time I wanted to walk out was because everyone and their choices had become SO fucking typical. Typical of their characters, typical of movies, typical of art films. Yes, even the talented Julianne Moore.

I know this film premiered at Sundance (which should have been a personal red flag for me) and wowed them (which should have been ANOTHER personal red flag for me) but there is NOTHING new here people.


Annette Bening's character is a bitch. A drunk and a bitch. A TYPICAL movie drunk bitch. It's probably not her fault, but bad direction.

Julianne Moore's character is maybe, perhaps the most honest character.

Mark Ruffalo is sexy, as usual, and pretty fucking charming even if his character doesn't realize he DOESN'T have it all together.

Mia Wasikowska. Hated her in Alice in Wonderland and can't watch her in this either. Was Dakota Fanning NOT available?!?!

Josh Hutcherson is good, I just...didn't really care about him. Again, script or direction.

Maybe I was looking for an ACTUAL gay film when I went to see this and that's where this review is coming from. I LOVE that it dealt with a gay family and it had super stars and that it's "mainstream", but as far as gay film goes, it really was just...all right. With that said, the reason I was happy that I did stay and didn't walk out the second time I wanted to, was because of the scene before the ending. Brought me to tears.

SO GOOD.

Julianne and Annette were DELICIOUS. Fucking beautiful and forgiving. It's that big finish people. Give 'em a great ending and they'll forgive you for anything...except when you have to recap it in a review.