Sparkle (2012)

I think my favorite moment of this movie was when my friend leaned over and said "Didn't we already see Dreamgirls?" and I whispered back: "Yes...AND What's Love Got To Do With It."

Via Wikipedia:
"Sparkle is an American musical film inspired by The Supremes. Sparkle is a remake of the 1976 film of the same name, which centered on three singing teenage sisters from Harlem who form a girl group in the late 1950s. The remake takes place in Detroit, Michigan in the 1960s during the Motown era."

I don't remember the original and I don't know why they changed the era or the locale, but I'm sure it didn't help the story any. I think what WOULD have helped was if they just made this a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Everybody's name seems to have an "S" in it. Sparkle, Sister, Satin. Thank God no one had a lisp or we ALL would have been lost! The music kinda sucks (except for the fab "Giving Him Something He Can Feel"), the editing makes it seems like they are trying to make something out of nothing (which they didn't), the song sequences are WAY too long and it's all just so...mediocre.

Alas, I didn't walk out. While I totally could have, there were a couple performances that I really enjoyed and whose story lines I was actually interested in.

None of them being the leads, but that's not the point.

Whitney Houston plays Sparkle's mean mom in hot rollers. She likes the bible and going to church and pointing her finger a lot. She doesn't like television, a-line dresses or using facial expressions. Jordan Sparks should be in movies as much as Britney Spears should be (FYI: Britney Spears shouldn't be.) and finally, the mean white guy is actually an albino...whatever that means.

But, the real standouts are Omari Hardwick as Levi (The diner scene with the ring, is nothing short of brilliant) and Tika Sumpter as Delores aka Girl #3. She really steals whatever scene she's in. (And much like Anika Noni Rose in Dreamgirls, it's a thankless role, but is fantastic.)

While none of the costumes made sense, like, AT ALL, they were really pretty to look at.

Whatelse can I tell you? If you like domestic abuse, mid-tempo songs and mothers that provide slutty bugle bead gowns as peace offerings, you will LOVE this movie.

Be warned: That above sentence reads like my dream film, but this movie is a nightmare to sit through.

In short, Sparkle doesn't even glimmer.

Carrie-The Musical

Okay, let's talk about this.



Carrie as a musical: I love the idea. I love the idea because it's one of the most ridiculous ideas since Spiderman -The Musical. WITH THAT SAID, I was super excited about it because I love the movie, I love the roles, I love theatre magic and I love Marin Mazzie.

What the Movie is about :
Carrie is a 1976 American supernatural horror film telling the story of a socially outcast teenage girl named Carrie White who discovers she possesses latent psionic power which seems to flare up when she becomes angry or otherwise distressed. Carrie's powers become apparent after her humiliation by her peers, teachers, and abusive mother, eventually resulting in tragedy.

What the Musical is about:
It's about two hours too long.

The show starts off in this weird interogation scene. It's Carrie's "friend" Sue, telling the police about how "she never saw it coming. She never saw ANY of it coming!!!!"

This is the top of the show and I can already tell what's coming: I'm gonna hate Sue.

...and I was correct.

Somehow they make this revival of a revival all about Sue, even though the show is called 'Carrie'. With all the interigation room flashbacks throughout the production, they should have just called the show LAW & ORDER: S.V.Sue.

Alas, there are even MORE people to hate in this show...including the entire ensemble cast. Chris is just a bitch, plain and simple and I can't figure out if it's the actress's or the director's fault, because I don't remember hating Chris THIS much. She's just a spoiled brat, with a limited voice range, who deserves to die and it's just a pity the audience has to wait till Act Two for it to happen.

As a matter of fact, this show really is Mean Girls on Ice while male chorus members are making gay jokes about each other the entire time. (Which sounds like a VERY fun show, but it's not. I promise.)

On to Mazzie.
The mother/daughter relationship should be the main focus of the show, which it's not and THUS is the downfall of the show. THIS is where the real action is happening. When Marin Mazzie is on stage, there is actual stage work, actual singing, and actual storytelling going on. She's fantastic.

The production values are great as well. Exploding this, levitating that. I really liked it, even though a lot of that stuff got 'laughs' because the tone of the piece was so uneven... non-specified at best. Was it supposed to be scary? Was it supposed to be 'cool'? No idea. Couldn't tell you. Eventually didn't care to find out.

We were gonna walk out, two unforgettable numbers in, but Sutton Foster was in the audience and I wanted to meet her at intermission.

After our meet and greet with her, we talked about leaving again but I REALLY wanted to see how they do the blood.

SUPER glad we did.

The way they do it is clever and it works. I didn't hate it. It's all about the following scene, though. When Carrie comes home after the school is burned down and everyone (BUT SUE!!!!) is dead. Carrie walks in and says 'Mama?'. Brilliance. Utter brilliance. I broke into tears. SOOOOOO freakin' good.

While I want to tell you what happens before and after the scene change, I won't. It's a great theatrical moment, that I'm VERY glad I got to witness, that if you can sit through the entire show to get there, if it's ever done again: it's totally worth it.


Now, if they could just kill Sue...

Love Never Dies...but it's killing Musical Theatre.

Picture it: Melbourne, 2011. I'm walking the streets of Melbourne, Australia, taking in both the amazing sights and amazing people, when I stumble upon a marquee for Love Never Dies.

Heaven.

Friends in other countries talk about how the U.S. always get things first, but here I was in Australia and here was the show that everyone was talking about that WAS NOT coming to the U.S. anytime soon.

Apparently for good reason.

So the show takes place 10 years AFTER The Phantom of the Opera ends... and EVERY CHARACTER makes sure you're reminded of it. I swear to God, this should have been called Ten Years Ago, because EVERY song starts that way.

Meg: "Ten years ago, I was a GOOD dancer." Madame Giry: "Ten Years Ago Meg USED to be a good dancer." Christine: "Ten years ago I was an ingenue." Raoul: "Ten Years ago I was sober." Phantom: "Ten years ago my life was an emotional roller coaster, now I live under one!" The Show: "Ten years ago, I was relevant."

It really goes on and on...

Story recap:
The Phantom misses Christine and sends her an invite to Coney Island to make her American Debut. She accepts without knowing the sender and comes with Raoul and a son. (smart people have already figured something out at this point both in the theatre and in this review)

A VERY "As If We Never Said Goodbye" entrance ensues.

Okay, so the show is kinda sorta REALLY about Meg...and this awful giant revolving mask ...and the touring set from Carousel.Could there BE anymore shit on that stage?"


Okay, where was I? So, Madame Giry runs this Coney Island carnival called Phantasma. (really, and Christine has NO idea who sent her the invite!?!?) Meg is the star, now, and her and Giry are really bugged that the Phantom hasn't come to any of the shows, so they sing a song reminiscing of how she and Meg smuggled him from Paris.

SMUGGLED him.

...He's apparently The Phantom of the Cocaine, now.

The sweet charming Raoul is now a drunk, gambling and physically abusive redneck. (What a difference ten years makes, girl!) The Phantom pulls a Phantom entrance with Christine's son and wants to show Gustave (the son) more of Phantasma. He tells Christine that she must sing for him again or she will return home without the boy.

(Doesn't The Phantom know how to say 'Please'? I mean really, are we STILL doing ultimatums TEN YEARS LATER!?!? Ugh.)

Meg finds out Christine will be singing and is PISSED off, so Giry tells Raoul that the Phantom is the one who invited Christine. There's the whole 'going down to the lair' scene, almost identical to the original (including the loud rock and roll guitars) and it's revealed that the boy is the Phantom's son.

Yeah, nobody saw THAT coming.



Anyhoo, Blah, Blah, Blah. The music is blah, the script is blah, the story is blah.



The show itself is laughable. Seriously. I laughed out loud twice and gafawed once. WHO WANTS TO WATCH A SHOW ABOUT MEG!?!? The show I saw NOBODY cared about what they were singing, talking about OR doing. I'm talking stage actors AND audience.

Except for The Phantom. This guy LOVED the show he was in. He was LIVING in it. THAT was actually cool to watch him be like "I know the rest of you hate this show, but I'm gonna pretend like it's a full house and we're the toast of Melbourne." (both of which, were not true) and that fucker sang his face off.

Good on ya, son!


Okay, so Act two (after MANY audience members walked out) it's revealed that The Phantom will leave EVERYTHING he has to his son and Meg and Giry FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Next thing you know the kid disappears and no one knows where he is.

Insert song: "That Bitch, Meg".

I SWEAR to God, then THIS happens: The next scene is Meg trying to drown Christine's son. DROWN! (IS THIS SHOW OUT OF IT'S FUCKING MIND!?!?) When The Phantom confront her, Meg pulls out a gun. A FUCKING GUN!!! Then you get a song about everything she's done for The Phantom INCLUDING BEING A HOOKER TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE THEME PARK!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M PRETTY SURE LOVE IS DEAD AT THIS POINT, NO!?!?

THEN The Phantom tries to get the gun from her and a gunshot goes off! (OH MY "CLUE": WHO GOT SHOT!??!)

Tragically, it wasn't the author, composer or Meg.

Now see, I walk out of EVERYTHING, but this I HAD to see what happened. I mean it kept getting worse and worse, while the costumes kept getting better and better for no apparent reason. What am I a crow? Am I a theatre crow who just looks at the sparkly stuff and won't notice anything else?

NO, I'm not. I am not a theatre crow...with that said, this show is about as good as a pile of bird shit.

So then there's that.