The Family Stone

The Family Stone

Sure it's been out for over a month but when I checked out what was playing at the local theaters THAT was the one that screamed out for me...well, not screamed but said :"Hey Bitch! I'm the best thing out right now so don't be stupid!" and usually I don't listen to movies that call me names and I always try to avoid movies that star people I like but don't look very good, but when someone told me that someone dies in this film, I was all over it.

Steel Magnolias Part Deux? SWEET!

Your cast includes:
Claire Danes - Looking healthy. Great hair.
Diane Keaton - Looking Old (Can someone please tell her no more glasses in movies or real life please. It's old! ...but then again so is she so nevermind...)
Rachel McAdams - Liked her better in the second half of the movie, but she was WAY better in this film than pink Red Eye.
Dermot Mulroney - Is he getting sexier? Yummeee! DO ME! DO ME!!!
Craig T. Nelson - LOVED him! I'd love to ask him what he's been doing all this time, but it's kind of apparent: He's been eating.
Luke Wilson - Can't stand him most of the time, but he was totally charming in this flick.
Tyrone Giordano - I'm sorry: Cute, Gay AND Deaf? Perfect. Now I can say whatever I want and not worry about the repercussions.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Her mole on the chin thing is borderline Ewan McGregor Bendi/Welt on the forehead thingy... MUST be removed.

The film as a whole: Good. It was long in a couple parts (and by long I mean TOTALLY boring. We get the point SJP, they hate you) but once the film hits it's mid-way marks and ALL the story lines are laid down, my range of emotions were called upon: Anger, pity, loss, struggle, need, frustration, exhilaration, want, happiness and fulfillment.

I guess you could call it a Romantic Comedy that takes a turn down Holiday Drama road. I walked out of that theater thinking about life and love and relationships and how great the right relationship is/will be and how no matter what people act like, it doesn't mean that's the way they are, it just means that's the way they're being.


Except of course for George W. Bush, that bastard.

King Kong...or as I like to call it: King GONG!

Oh my God I want to die.

Three Hours?!?!?! Three hours I will never get back!!!! Three FREAKIN' Hours of what: 82 storylines???? AGGHHHHH!!!!!!!



Okay, Me and Klotzy went to see King Kong and I think I have yet another title for these reviews: "And it's called a Bargain Matinee because WHY?"

Webster's Dictionary definition of BARGAIN is: "Something whose value considerably exceeds its cost."

UMM, HELLO!??!?!?! The last film I saw that even remotely came close was...well... The Legend Of Billie Jean I guess... (I am SO writing a strongly worded letter to someone about this! ...)

ANYWAY: King Gong, I went to the bathroom twice and refilled my drink once. There. That's my review.

Would you like a more in depth with bouts of screaming in CAPS? Okay then:

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT! (Not as bad as The Butterfly Effect or Rumor Has It (don't get me started on THAT one) but it was awful.) Jack Black can lick my crack. MMM-K?

Dinosaurs? What are you kidding me? What does that have to do with anything?!!!?

And what's the problem with that Captain? And the creepy kid! What's HIS deal? Or Chocolat from Moulin Rouge? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!? Is this movie called King Kong and Friends? No. I don't think so.

I will say Naomi Watts I didn't hate and usually I do. She's got a great face for hats.

But what the fuck is that casting? The extras, exteriors, interiors, wardrobe... ALL period but THEN THAT LEAD CAST? YOU MUST BE JOKING!!!?!

Fine, the action was great. BUT WHAT DID IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? That final scene was out of that 80's video game Rampage for God's sake...

Fine, there was that one part I couldn't watch because it was so gross/creepy/disgusting... I'm sure I could have watched it had it had ANYTHING to do with anything!!!

(Breathe...Breathe.... inhale...exhale...)

But guess what Marys, IT DIDN'T!

However, when the elephant sank or whatever happened at the end, Naomi Watts was pretty genius (in other words I was moved) but to have it wrapped up with Jack Black's stupid line about how the airplanes didn't kill it. Beauty killed the beast. OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE.

Oh, and I'm starting a fund to get a nose job for Adrien Brody... he looks like one of those guys from Spy Vs. Spy...

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Gei-blah, is more like it.

Shortest review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink.


Longer review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink with sumo pseudo-prostitution and lots of rain.




Longest review: Explain this 'Karate Kid' honor thing. I've NEVER gotten it. ALL THREE Karate Kid's, that Pokemon flick and now the Gei-blah. What's these people's damage? If you get wronged, quit holding it in for lifetimes (or two hours of a film which sometimes feels like a lifetime) and just say something and get it over with. Or do like they do in those ghetto movies and just shoot them before they can get a word out edgewise and therefore expand that particular plotline.

I'm just saying...

Anyway, back to the film review: It was very pretty, but just like Jessica Simpson, there wasn't much there. It was kind of long and drawn out. It had a happy ending WHICH I LIKED, but near the end it turned into Miss Saigon and I had already saw that show and I didn't need to see it again.




If you like Jessica Simpson go see this, if you don't: watch Madonna's Nothing Really Matters video. It's only three and a half minutes long and it's just as good if not better.

The FIRST 'Review For Jake':

Jake suggested on a previous post that perhaps I should make movie reviews a recurring event, so I should like to kick this off with Brokeback Mountain which I caught last night at a midnight screening. (Like I was gonna pass THAT up?!?!? A theater full of gays yearning for love that gets out after the bars close?! SHUT UP! I KNOW! I'm in!)

Anyway, back to the movie:

A. Beautiful to watch.
B. Fell in love with Heath Ledger.
C. Cried, cried and cried again.
D. Horrified that I saw Anne Hathaway's tits.
E. Wished by the 2 hour point that they would just take a Polaroid and drive off a cliff.

Now I'm not saying the movie is a "Nix". I WAS emotionally moved, my heart WAS broken and I finally understood how flannel is sexy.

But I'm also not saying it is a "Picks" either. I get it: they're in the mountains. I get it: they can't ever be together. I get it: they can't ever be together in the mountains. (I'll spare you my Les Miz/Schindler's List length of movie/show joke... feel free to enter your own though please...)

...Maybe this shouldn't be called "Flix Picks or Nix", maybe it should be called: "Why I wish movies were still $5.00!"