The Family Stone

The Family Stone

Sure it's been out for over a month but when I checked out what was playing at the local theaters THAT was the one that screamed out for me...well, not screamed but said :"Hey Bitch! I'm the best thing out right now so don't be stupid!" and usually I don't listen to movies that call me names and I always try to avoid movies that star people I like but don't look very good, but when someone told me that someone dies in this film, I was all over it.

Steel Magnolias Part Deux? SWEET!

Your cast includes:
Claire Danes - Looking healthy. Great hair.
Diane Keaton - Looking Old (Can someone please tell her no more glasses in movies or real life please. It's old! ...but then again so is she so nevermind...)
Rachel McAdams - Liked her better in the second half of the movie, but she was WAY better in this film than pink Red Eye.
Dermot Mulroney - Is he getting sexier? Yummeee! DO ME! DO ME!!!
Craig T. Nelson - LOVED him! I'd love to ask him what he's been doing all this time, but it's kind of apparent: He's been eating.
Luke Wilson - Can't stand him most of the time, but he was totally charming in this flick.
Tyrone Giordano - I'm sorry: Cute, Gay AND Deaf? Perfect. Now I can say whatever I want and not worry about the repercussions.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Her mole on the chin thing is borderline Ewan McGregor Bendi/Welt on the forehead thingy... MUST be removed.

The film as a whole: Good. It was long in a couple parts (and by long I mean TOTALLY boring. We get the point SJP, they hate you) but once the film hits it's mid-way marks and ALL the story lines are laid down, my range of emotions were called upon: Anger, pity, loss, struggle, need, frustration, exhilaration, want, happiness and fulfillment.

I guess you could call it a Romantic Comedy that takes a turn down Holiday Drama road. I walked out of that theater thinking about life and love and relationships and how great the right relationship is/will be and how no matter what people act like, it doesn't mean that's the way they are, it just means that's the way they're being.


Except of course for George W. Bush, that bastard.

King Kong...or as I like to call it: King GONG!

Oh my God I want to die.

Three Hours?!?!?! Three hours I will never get back!!!! Three FREAKIN' Hours of what: 82 storylines???? AGGHHHHH!!!!!!!



Okay, Me and Klotzy went to see King Kong and I think I have yet another title for these reviews: "And it's called a Bargain Matinee because WHY?"

Webster's Dictionary definition of BARGAIN is: "Something whose value considerably exceeds its cost."

UMM, HELLO!??!?!?! The last film I saw that even remotely came close was...well... The Legend Of Billie Jean I guess... (I am SO writing a strongly worded letter to someone about this! ...)

ANYWAY: King Gong, I went to the bathroom twice and refilled my drink once. There. That's my review.

Would you like a more in depth with bouts of screaming in CAPS? Okay then:

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT! (Not as bad as The Butterfly Effect or Rumor Has It (don't get me started on THAT one) but it was awful.) Jack Black can lick my crack. MMM-K?

Dinosaurs? What are you kidding me? What does that have to do with anything?!!!?

And what's the problem with that Captain? And the creepy kid! What's HIS deal? Or Chocolat from Moulin Rouge? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!? Is this movie called King Kong and Friends? No. I don't think so.

I will say Naomi Watts I didn't hate and usually I do. She's got a great face for hats.

But what the fuck is that casting? The extras, exteriors, interiors, wardrobe... ALL period but THEN THAT LEAD CAST? YOU MUST BE JOKING!!!?!

Fine, the action was great. BUT WHAT DID IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? That final scene was out of that 80's video game Rampage for God's sake...

Fine, there was that one part I couldn't watch because it was so gross/creepy/disgusting... I'm sure I could have watched it had it had ANYTHING to do with anything!!!

(Breathe...Breathe.... inhale...exhale...)

But guess what Marys, IT DIDN'T!

However, when the elephant sank or whatever happened at the end, Naomi Watts was pretty genius (in other words I was moved) but to have it wrapped up with Jack Black's stupid line about how the airplanes didn't kill it. Beauty killed the beast. OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE.

Oh, and I'm starting a fund to get a nose job for Adrien Brody... he looks like one of those guys from Spy Vs. Spy...

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Gei-blah, is more like it.

Shortest review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink.


Longer review: It's 'The Color Purple' set in pink with sumo pseudo-prostitution and lots of rain.




Longest review: Explain this 'Karate Kid' honor thing. I've NEVER gotten it. ALL THREE Karate Kid's, that Pokemon flick and now the Gei-blah. What's these people's damage? If you get wronged, quit holding it in for lifetimes (or two hours of a film which sometimes feels like a lifetime) and just say something and get it over with. Or do like they do in those ghetto movies and just shoot them before they can get a word out edgewise and therefore expand that particular plotline.

I'm just saying...

Anyway, back to the film review: It was very pretty, but just like Jessica Simpson, there wasn't much there. It was kind of long and drawn out. It had a happy ending WHICH I LIKED, but near the end it turned into Miss Saigon and I had already saw that show and I didn't need to see it again.




If you like Jessica Simpson go see this, if you don't: watch Madonna's Nothing Really Matters video. It's only three and a half minutes long and it's just as good if not better.

The FIRST 'Review For Jake':

Jake suggested on a previous post that perhaps I should make movie reviews a recurring event, so I should like to kick this off with Brokeback Mountain which I caught last night at a midnight screening. (Like I was gonna pass THAT up?!?!? A theater full of gays yearning for love that gets out after the bars close?! SHUT UP! I KNOW! I'm in!)

Anyway, back to the movie:

A. Beautiful to watch.
B. Fell in love with Heath Ledger.
C. Cried, cried and cried again.
D. Horrified that I saw Anne Hathaway's tits.
E. Wished by the 2 hour point that they would just take a Polaroid and drive off a cliff.

Now I'm not saying the movie is a "Nix". I WAS emotionally moved, my heart WAS broken and I finally understood how flannel is sexy.

But I'm also not saying it is a "Picks" either. I get it: they're in the mountains. I get it: they can't ever be together. I get it: they can't ever be together in the mountains. (I'll spare you my Les Miz/Schindler's List length of movie/show joke... feel free to enter your own though please...)

...Maybe this shouldn't be called "Flix Picks or Nix", maybe it should be called: "Why I wish movies were still $5.00!"

Rent, The Movie

I did, as many did, go and catch RENT the movie, and I reiterate: RENT THE MOVIE!

Now when I saw it on Broadway my first thought was "GOD, THIS IS LOUD" and my second thought was "HEY, I PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO SIT FRONT ROW MEZZ, AREN'T THEY EVEN GONNA ACKNOWLEDGE US DURING SEASONS OF LOVE?"

FYI: No, they weren't going to.

Also during said performance, there was not ONE original cast member (THEY WERE ALL UNDERSTUDIES!!! The "Being Played By" wall in the lobby looked like the Vietnam Memorial. SHUT UP! I KNOW! My favorite/most loathed part was when the black girl in Seasons Of Love handed off her high note to the little asian girl next to her. She even did it with a "Vanna White" kinda of presentation.

It was pretty tragic. That's not true... there was really NOTHING pretty about it. I started feeling while watching RENT the same way I felt during Les Miz: DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM ALL TO DIE? (But then I found that in Les Miz I had to wait for them all to comeback as ghosts!!! HOW LONG IS THAT FUCKING SHOW!!???

But I crossdress digress... Things I hated about Rent the movie:

-That it looks like they shot the film on The Little Shop of Horrors set.
-Roger's hair
-That they didn't update ANYTHING
-EVERY dancing sequence.
-How "tragically dark" it was shot for theatrical purposes
-The drama everyone made over how old everyone was. (It didn't have anything to do with anything so what was the big deal?)


Things I LOVED about Rent the movie:
-Rosario Dawson
-The Funeral/"I'll Cover You" (Reprise) scene. (Freakin' PERFECT!)

In Her Shoes

FYI: It's pure shit all over Her Shoes. Except for this guy Mark Feuerstein.

LOVE HIM! Who is he? Why is he so cute? And why do people keep telling me he's not gay? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!

Favorite Line(s):
Him: Does this mean I'm your bitch?
Her: Do you want to be my bitch?
Him: I have wanted to be your bitch since the first day we met.



Okay, the truth is I'm still watching this while I'm reviewing it and I can't listen to it anymore. There are funny lines (the old ladies rock) but waiting an hour and a half for Cameron Diaz to learn her lesson, I would rather kill myself.

-Cue time lapse-

Done watching movie now. (and I call it a movie and not a film for a reason, okay?!)


Things I expected:

-Someone dies. (No, not any of the leads)
-Someone breaks up.
-Someone gets in a fight.
-Someone can't deal with life and gets on a train/bus/plane/cab/man.
-EVERYONE has fabulous shoes.
-Toni Collette loses weight.
-Someone gets back together.
-EVERYONE has awful dialogue at some point (ie. "Cause without her, I don't make sense." It's your sister, freak! "We're like Sonny and Cher." I said IT'S YOUR SISTER FREAK!!!)
-Someone/EVERYONE is forgiven.
-SOMEONE LEARNS TO READ. (SHUT UP! I KNOW!)

Things I expected but didn't get:

-A shopping spree set to 80's music.


Things I didn't expect and got:

-A Chuppah.

Part Two of this review entitled: Why I relate to Toni Collette on TOO many levels will be coming up later this week.

War of the Worlds

I rented War of The Worlds last night and If I have to hear one more fucking kid yell one more piece of awful dialogue I'm gonna kill myself.

Review:

-Tom Cruise: Fine.
-Dakota Fanning: Stupid Screaming Kid #1
-Some Teenage boy: Stupid Screaming Kid #2

-The Special effects rock!
-Kids that don't listen are assholes.

The End.

The Island

Today's film is from a new release on video: The Island.

Now there was NO WAY IN HELL I was gonna see this movie in the theater. (I watch Survivor, I already know what happens...)

Now I will start off with saying that I am a BIG fan of Ewan McGregor's ever since Moulin Rouge. (I'm still bugged however that no matter how many letters I've written him he hasn't gotten rid of that bindi of a mole.)

ANYWAY, The Island:

Riviting.

I swear to God, totally riviting.

The action is AMAZING (you betta' work Michael Bay!) I didn't hate the story (better than I thought it was gonna be after someone told me plot twist...DWAYNE!... but there are BONUS plot twists too! SHUT UP! I KNOW!)

Scarlett Johansson = Good (She didn't have the action 'scream' or 'gun holding-thingy' down, but bitch knows how to work a ponytail! O-kay?!)

Steve Buscemi = Hasn't he been in enough movies to have his teeth fixed? I mean come on already: THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO PUT YOU IN A BRITISH FILM! (Unless of course it's called The Veneers.)

Michael Clarke Duncan = The new Forest Whitaker.

The Drowsy Chaperone

Lately a lot of people have been telling me about this new show at The Ahmanson Theater called The Drowsy Chaperone (I know,I know shitty title and shitty artwork) and the truth is I didn't really care about seeing it. Some extra tickets even came up and I STILL wasn't able to attend.

THEN Thanksgiving night a friend of my friend Sam's started talking about this show that she had just seen and about how AMAZING and inspiring it was... cut to me finally asking her what the hell it was and she said: The Drowsy Chaperone.

"But what about the shitty title and the shitty artwork?" I asked her.

"It all make sense after you see it." she replied. "It's one of those show inside of a show things..."

Then I started remembering that Warwickstein had told me the same thing and God knows I live for that shit!!!

So I got tickets to yesterday's matinee and asked my nephew to come with me.

Side plot: When I was in 7th grade my Aunt Chris took me to the same theater for one of my first theatrical endeavors (The Phantom of the Opera, FYI) and here I was with MY nephew having the very same experience in the very same theater!! (Minus the Chandelier and with better seats! SHUT UP! I KNOW!)

Anyway, I don't want to tell you too much about the show because I went in not knowing anything and I laughed from genius start to the perfect ending, but I will say this: Beth Leavel is SO fucking funny and Sutton Foster has my new favorite showstopper called "Show off!" (if you click the above 'Drowsy' link there is a link to a sample of the number.)

My point is: GO SEE THIS SHOW! This is the pre Broadway run and I think it's going to be a HUGE hit. It's funny, SO original, it's got a VERY talented cast and if you're a performer it's totally inspiring.

So, what have we learned today? Shitty title and sitty artwork don't mean anything... unless it's in regards to the musical: Taboo.

Amityville WHOREer!

"A" The trailer for The Skeleton Key almost made me pee my pants. Dwayne laughed at me cause I was so spooked.

"B" War of the Worlds also looks A-mazing! I totally gagged.

"C" I jumped out of my seat a bunch of times during Amityville. (followed by laughing from Dwayne again) I loved it! BUT:

"D" Ryan Reynolds' partial nudity is OUT OF CONTROL in this movie. What kind of killer/whore is he?! "I think I'll take my shirt off and pull my P.J.'s down right above my pubic hair to go check the boat house."... "I think I'll take my shirt off and pull my P.J.'s down right above my pubic hair to listen to the voices."... "I think I'll take my shirt off and pull my P.J.'s down right above my pubic hair to go chop wood."



SHUT UP! I KNOW!

At least he didn't pull a 'Van Wilder' does 'Silence of the Lambs' again: