Friends in other countries talk about how the U.S. always get things first, but here I was in Australia and here was the show that everyone was talking about that WAS NOT coming to the U.S. anytime soon.
Apparently for good reason.
So the show takes place 10 years AFTER The Phantom of the Opera ends... and EVERY CHARACTER makes sure you're reminded of it. I swear to God, this should have been called Ten Years Ago, because EVERY song starts that way.
Meg: "Ten years ago, I was a GOOD dancer." Madame Giry: "Ten Years Ago Meg USED to be a good dancer." Christine: "Ten years ago I was an ingenue." Raoul: "Ten Years ago I was sober." Phantom: "Ten years ago my life was an emotional roller coaster, now I live under one!" The Show: "Ten years ago, I was relevant."
It really goes on and on...
Story recap:
The Phantom misses Christine and sends her an invite to Coney Island to make her American Debut. She accepts without knowing the sender and comes with Raoul and a son. (smart people have already figured something out at this point both in the theatre and in this review)
A VERY "As If We Never Said Goodbye" entrance ensues.
Okay, so the show is kinda sorta REALLY about Meg...and this awful giant revolving mask ...and the touring set from Carousel.
Okay, where was I? So, Madame Giry runs this Coney Island carnival called Phantasma. (really, and Christine has NO idea who sent her the invite!?!?) Meg is the star, now, and her and Giry are really bugged that the Phantom hasn't come to any of the shows, so they sing a song reminiscing of how she and Meg smuggled him from Paris.
SMUGGLED him.
...He's apparently The Phantom of the Cocaine, now.
The sweet charming Raoul is now a drunk, gambling and physically abusive redneck. (What a difference ten years makes, girl!) The Phantom pulls a Phantom entrance with Christine's son and wants to show Gustave (the son) more of Phantasma. He tells Christine that she must sing for him again or she will return home without the boy.
(Doesn't The Phantom know how to say 'Please'? I mean really, are we STILL doing ultimatums TEN YEARS LATER!?!? Ugh.)
Meg finds out Christine will be singing and is PISSED off, so Giry tells Raoul that the Phantom is the one who invited Christine. There's the whole 'going down to the lair' scene, almost identical to the original (including the loud rock and roll guitars) and it's revealed that the boy is the Phantom's son.
Anyhoo, Blah, Blah, Blah. The music is blah, the script is blah, the story is blah.
The show itself is laughable. Seriously. I laughed out loud twice and gafawed once. WHO WANTS TO WATCH A SHOW ABOUT MEG!?!? The show I saw NOBODY cared about what they were singing, talking about OR doing. I'm talking stage actors AND audience.
Except for The Phantom. This guy LOVED the show he was in. He was LIVING in it. THAT was actually cool to watch him be like "I know the rest of you hate this show, but I'm gonna pretend like it's a full house and we're the toast of Melbourne." (both of which, were not true) and that fucker sang his face off.
Good on ya, son!
Okay, so Act two (after MANY audience members walked out) it's revealed that The Phantom will leave EVERYTHING he has to his son and Meg and Giry FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Next thing you know the kid disappears and no one knows where he is.
Insert song: "That Bitch, Meg".
I SWEAR to God, then THIS happens: The next scene is Meg trying to drown Christine's son. DROWN! (IS THIS SHOW OUT OF IT'S FUCKING MIND!?!?) When The Phantom confront her, Meg pulls out a gun. A FUCKING GUN!!! Then you get a song about everything she's done for The Phantom INCLUDING BEING A HOOKER TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE THEME PARK!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M PRETTY SURE LOVE IS DEAD AT THIS POINT, NO!?!?
THEN The Phantom tries to get the gun from her and a gunshot goes off! (OH MY "CLUE": WHO GOT SHOT!??!)
Tragically, it wasn't the author, composer or Meg.
Now see, I walk out of EVERYTHING, but this I HAD to see what happened. I mean it kept getting worse and worse, while the costumes kept getting better and better for no apparent reason.
What am I a crow? Am I a theatre crow who just looks at the sparkly stuff and won't notice anything else?NO, I'm not. I am not a theatre crow...with that said, this show is about as good as a pile of bird shit.
So then there's that.
I can't remember when I've laughed so hard at a review. Probably something my John Simon.
ReplyDelete