The DaVinci Code

This weekend I went on a hunt for a good movie with plot, characters, drama... maybe a little comedy thrown in... AND something that "everyone" is going to go see. So, The DaVinci Code is what made the final selection.



Decode this people: EBCDIC REID HONG VIA IS TON



If you think it says: BACONNECTED DR HOG I VII IS... you're wrong.




If you think it says: THE DAVINCI CODE IS BORING... BINGO!!!! You're today's big winner!



When did people start talking so much? What am I watching Les Miz?! Jesus this movie was long. It could have ended like 3 times. (At one point I leaned over to Warwickstein and said "He's not gonna have to walk all the way back to where he just came from is he?" 'Cause I had to go potty damn it!)

And can we talk about flashbacks? Oy. There were SO many flashbacks, that I started having hotflashes... and I'm not even going though MANopause yet...

Half the people I couldn't understand what they were saying, 3/4 of the movie I was trying to figure out just how much salt Tom Hanks has been eating in the last few years and the entire length of the film I kept thinking: who cares?

I mean seriously people: WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!? AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SAYING 'BEWARE OF THE DWARF ALBINO!?!?'

Blah, Blah, Blog she's French. Blah, Blah, Blog, he's a cripple. Blah, Blah, Blog he's a ghost, no an angel no a ghost.

One thing I will say, is that I heard a review about the film that said there was NO action, good plot twists, etc. and I totally disagree. There WERE plot twists! There WAS great action, but between those exciting events it was a lecture on history, church and a poor girl's fucked up childhood.

Ugh, drain, snore.

An American Haunting

Last night I went and saw An American Haunting and I have to tell you: It's Hauntingly awful.


Like for reals ya'all.



"A" Dear Sissy Spacek,

Don't.

Just stop.

I forgave you for "Blast from The Past" and I also forgave you for "The Ring 2". I'm sure some people don't know that you were the voice of Anne Uumellmahaye in "The Man With Two Brains", but I do. You kicked ass in 'Carrie' and you kicked ass in 'Night Mother'. You've been nominated 6 times for an Oscar and won 1. What are YOU doing in this trash chute of a movie? Donald Sutherland, I understand. He's awful in everything! (We get it Donald: you're an "Actor". Please bring it down a little, mmm-kay?) But YOU Sissy? Bad. BAAAADDDD SISSY!

"B" Since when does loud=scary? (They must have went to the Dakota Fanning school of film making. SCREAMING IS NOT ACTING DAKOTA!!!)

"C" This movie is bad. Not bad/good like Basic Instinct 2 but bad BAD. Like, when people were laughing it was because it was SO bad and SO long and SO ridiculous, we as the audience couldn't take it anymore. At one point the girl gets pulled by her hair by "the ghost" and ends up looking like Kathy Najimy in Hocus Pocus. Showing here:



My other favorite part is when "the ghost" is panning and tilting flying around the room and the slave maid gives this look into camera like: "Molly, you in danger girl." It was so dead on, I said it out loud and got a laugh. SHUT UP! I KNOW!


"D" My suggestion: If you want to see a scary movie, go see Scary Movie. You'll probably laugh cause you're suppose to.

"E" James D'Arcy is hot. (Even in a terrible period piece.)