Sad In My City

Sex and the City 2
Long review short: I walked out.

Long review longer: The film opened today in the U.S. and opens tomorrow in the U.K. (I hope the U.K. doesn't read any of the U.S. reviews...or maybe I do...)

I knew NOTHING about this film until the bad reviews started being posted everywhere (of which, I read none. And yes: I CAN read!) and then people started posting Liza Minnelli's cover of Beyoncé's 'Single Ladies' all over the Facebook. (So there's that spoiler.) OH and then of course EVERYONE knew that Aidan was back.

Anyhoo, the movie MORE OR LESS brings the audience up to speed on what the girls have been up to in like the first 10 minutes of the 2 hour and 30 minute film. (You heard me: Two and a half hours...I lasted one and a half...where the movie SHOULD have ended.) After that there's a wedding (see how I don't ruin things?) and this is when we find out the film should have been called BUDGET and the City. Good GOD that wedding scene looked fucking expensive. People were shitting diamonds and eating gold while swimming in emeralds and burning hundred dollar bills to frighten away the unicorned swans.

We get it kids, you got money this time...A LOT.

Where was I? Oh, so as we all figured anyway, Big and Carrie are having marriage issues (yawn), Charlotte isn't as happy as she'd thought she be (Um, didn't I see this in the Act Two opening of Into The Woods?), Samantha is having trouble getting it up (quelle surprise!? Is that ALL they could come up with?) and Miranda is still married to one ball with that NOT cute kid of theirs.

Now, it doesn't matter how, but a Sheik approaches Samantha to go to Abu Whatsitcalled to make his hotel as big a star as she made Smith Jarrod.

*At this point I would like EVERYONE to relax. The entire film DOES not take place in the Middle East. Only the last hour. Unless they left the middle east when I left my middle seat.

When they get on the airline to go to Kareem Abu, this is when the TRAGIC tourism commercial starts and doesn't end until you...well, I walk out. Seriously, it's laughable. We get it: THEY FINANCED THE FILM. But what I don't get is that these girls are the cream of the crop and have seen and done everything. Living in a GIANT hotel and flying on a private plane doesn't need to take up 20 minutes, which really feels like 20 years.

Whatever. Anyway, after we see ALL that Morocco Abu Ghraib has to offer, Carrie runs into Aidan while shopping for...wait for it...wait for it... shoes.

I have no idea what this movie is and/or was about. I even went on to Wikipedia to read what happens and I STILL don't know, or care, what happens. The scene the sent me over the edge was as they were driving from the shopping alley through the desert, they past a billboard of The King of Siam or whoever and they do this weird zoom thing that gave me immediate flashbacks of Protocol with Goldie Hawn and thought if THIS is where they're going with this: I'M OUT!



I guess as you can tell I actually hated the film and didn't realize it until I started typing. I just wanted it to be SO good. I wanted to catch up with my girls and have a cosmo (you should have at least 2 if you still plan on going to see it) and get inspired by their clothes. But I didn't. I mean on top of everything else, the film just felt stale as a whole. Like WE had grown and they had not. Which I can't get. If even not at characters, at LEAST as actors they should have grown a little.

I will say Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie, was the only one who didn't seem schticky. Sure the character still had life issues but the actress kept it real. She still made you smile, she still made her perfect jokes, she still justifiably argued really well and she still dressed like a million bucks. (minus that hat at the wedding. Is that thing even REALLY a hat? ) Samantha seemed exhausted and at a few points it looked like they did pickup shots months later and she had had some kind of 'procedure' done. But PEOPLE: We expect her to get laid, we expect her to be naked, we expect to see some hot guy's ass, but after you show all of that in the first 25 minutes of the film, it's the same old stuff (but not good this time) and it's boring. LIKE TWO MORE HOURS BORING.

Add to that Charlotte is now just a caricature of herself. ( It's all eyes and headbands, people.) and then there's poor Kate Jackson Miranda. Ouch. Jokes falling flat, outfits not quite perfect, rushing to get her out of every scene. Wow. It's just...wow. Kill her off already for God's sakes!

I did not see this scene but it looks like Patricia Field took a day off and Edina from AbFab took over.

Didn't see this scene either. Don't care. They're still on sand hiding their denial. I did that in eighth grade.

This was the photo I saw that should have given me the heads up the film wasn't going to work. Karaoke? Really? I hate you.

No good can come of karaoke in a movie. Didn't the writer see Duets?