A Nightmare on Elm Street

I didn't hate it. Let's just get that out of the way: it wasn't a complete nightmare. (Pun possibly intended...)


Much like while watching the new Clash of the Titans, I tried not to hold against this film the experience I had watching the original movies when they first came out. (Um, when did I start getting old enough for them to remake my childhood films?! Mom, Non-Dad, I apologize for mocking your anger when they remade Alfie and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner).

Things I liked about this new version: I was scared. Like covering my eyes a few times because I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle being scared out of my chair and then mocked by the entire theater. (Yes, I'm referring to my experience watching Misery in 1990. Full theater + me screaming = Entire theater laughing at me and Jeff not coming to my rescue...this would continue on through most of my Freshman year in High School...).

I liked what they updated to... you know: RELATE to today's teenagers: Ipods, micro-naps, cops that taser you and yell 'Fuck' a lot for no reason. (Back in my day, they didn't do that. They said you're under arrest and then you said 'Okay' and then you got in the car and enjoyed your scenic, though screened, ride to your jail cell).

I also liked what their take on the UPDATED Characters is/was/are/were:

"Rod" Jsu Garcia / Thomas Dekker "Jesse"
Apparently sexy ethnic transfers to Adam Lambert knock-off

'Glen' Johnny Depp / Kyle Gallner 'Quentin'
See, in the 80's boyfriends supported you and wanted to just hang out and listen to their Walkman with their over-sized headphones. NOW they just want you to take their prescription medication and shut up.

That's not nice, 2010 boyfriends.

'Tina' Amanda Wyss / Katie Cassidy 'Still Tina'
Take a look people. See what 20 years did to sluts? On the left, just a girl who likes to have sex and then get murdered. She doesn't LOOK like a whore. She doesn't DRESS like a whore, she just simply IS one. (and we know that by her 1984 Madonna eyebrows) The New Tina however, has more tits than hair extensions and believe me when I say: that's a lot. Her constant lip gloss, even when sleeping, along with her constant short shorts...yep, even when sleeping, leads you to WANTING her to get killed just so that then the homeless drag queens of America will have enough cosmetic supplies for the rest of their lives because of all the products she'll have left behind.

'Nancy' Heather Langenkamp / Rooney Mara 'Edgy Nancy'
Judging by the the picture on the left, that girl would be classified as a nerd. But she wasn't. Nerd Girls don't wear sweater vests, only rich ones do....DID. Sure her mom was a drunk, but that's okay because our girl's perm is growing out. Yes, kids THAT was an 'Outsider' in the 80's. Here in the "Zeros", the girl on the right is all edgy and dirty and can't dress herself well so she comes off as alternative but she's gonna prove she's actually someone by sketching with charcoal because charcoal is depressing (like her oily hair) and color-pencils mean that she hasn't struggled enough in her teenage angst years while watching Daria and totally relating.


Things I didn't like: Drunk Mom is now Tina's mother and gets one line and is never seen again. EVERYONE LOVED how drunk mom stole every scene she was in, in the original. Now: nothing.

Umm, I didn't like Freddy's new make-up. You can totally see their thought behind it: "We have money now, let's make him look like an ACTUAL burn victim. You know where stuff is melted together so they can't really talk and it's hard to understand them and you can't really tell what they're doing? Yeah like that!" Um, yeah..and that's JUST how it came across: He couldn't move his mouth, everything was dubbed and he hid in the shadows for 7/8ths of the film because it was NOT a good make-up job. He looks like a dusty Mummy.

I hated that Nancy couldn't do it alone in the new version. This is SUCH a typical message nowadays. I thought about it while watching a particular scene and said to myself that Nancy was a MUCH stronger female character in the original. Girl's could walk away thinking they could do anything, come up with anything and protect themselves while doing it. Not this one, honey. You need a man or else you're dead.

I REALLY HATED that they go into what Freddy REALLY did for the parents to turn on him. I guess in the '00's no one has imagination or can't figure anything out so EVERY THING needs to be spelled out and then explicitly shown, whereas 'back then' we could figure it out/knew what was going on and thought that 'spelling it out' was amateurish. DUH HE WAS A PEDOPHILE!!! NO SHIT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH SCENE AFTER SCENE ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE. I'm good. It's not scary. What's scary is that the filmmakers think that they're smart and cool and newfangled because they're telling you what you already knew, but you had never SEEN it before, so it doesn't count that you knew it.

The final thing I hated (POSSIBLE SPOILER!!!!!) was that Freddy no longer drags his claws to make that screeching noise that gave us ACTUAL nightmares. Um, ARE YOU KIDDING ME PEOPLE!?!?! That's a signature move. Taking away that screech is like taking away Saved By The Bell's Screech. It just doesn't work without it.