Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Sweeping Shots is more like it.

In the original 1981 film, they didn't have the technology for all the stuff you're gonna see in this new one, but what they DID have was talent and story and heart. (Not to mention Maggie Smith's head braking off and talking to us, but that's not the point...) They didn't have a Grecian A-Team to get Perseus through his journey, they had a metal owl named Bubo. (Who is only a five second punchline in this version...and I hate them for that.) They didn't have a Rock and Roll sword training sequence, they DECIDED TO MOVE THE STORY FORWARD. You know what else they didn't have? A bunch of B, C and D plot story lines! No, they trusted their hero instead.

The new 2010 version decides IT'S GOING TO (damn it!) expand the story and open it up, when really all they did was make it longer, add a bunch of characters no one cares about and then work in an underlying "message" that comes across as Anti God and Anti Bi-Racial. It's really bizarre. The original film was about humans, the relationship with their Gods and vice versa. Now it's about how a group of guys and some intuitive/pouty girl set up a play date to reenact The Lord of the Rings while listening to 1990's grunge rock! They didn't make ANYTHING better. Not the actors, not the special effects, not the story...maybe the costumes (think Flash Gordon, but in earth tones) and like, two of the sets. (Zeus' place, is KICK ass!)

Here are my questions: Where's the invisible helmet? EVERYONE KNOWS that invisibility is everyones favorite superpower, right after flying. Why did they turn Calibos into some Watchman knock-off? There IS no Thetis, thus no talking head scene OR proper story of how Gods play out their revenge on each other by using man as their game pawns. Instead they pin it all on Satan and make him do all the dirty work instead of an interesting story of what a mother will do for her child. Speaking of which, since when wasn't Calibos enough of an antagonist? Did they think they were REALLY gonna have a clash of the titans by conjuring up Ralph Fiennes as Hades? (FYI: That's Greek for Satan). Save that shit for Voldemort!

Why is Pegasus black? Like...WHAT?! REALLY!? If they remake Legend, is the unicorn gonna be plurble and the finale dancing dress yellow without a collar? WHY WOULD YOU FUCK WITH PEGASUS? And What the HELL is with the addition of the blue-eyed WOOD Aliens? Seriously!? This choice is worse than casting Sam Worthington as Perseus.

Harry Hamlin, you were missed.



Here's the thing: they took a fantasy film and turned it into an action flick. (God forbid, they're thinking about remaking Willow...but this time TALL!). It's now got all the same crappy action film speeches, smirks and one-liners, while all of the fantasy has been traded for forced 'period piece' reality. It's not magical, it's not ethereal, it's not fantasy. It's Sci-Fi Action now. It's like Hollywood wanted to get everyone who liked X-Men, Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings and they weren't gonna get them unless this film was JUST LIKE THOSE, while if the creators had REALLY taken a second to look back, they would see that Clash of the Titans is what inspired those very films!

Mads Mikkelson as Draco, sidekick #1, was good. I LOVED him in Casino Royale. Liam Neeson as Zeus, is really just playing Liam Neeson. (Did you go to the Jack Nicholson school of non-acting, honey?) Gemma Arterton as Lo, was probably one of my favorite roles. I don't know who she is, but she's FREAKIN' GORGEOUS and totally perfect. Acting, the look, costuming, it's perfect. She's perfect. She services the crappy dialogue they give her and has a stylized performance that it seemed the entire rest of the film was lacking. Thumbs up, bitch! (I also have to admit the Scorpion fight scene was REALLY intense and totally enjoyable!)

Now, am I a loyalist to the original? No. I just finally realize why my parents always got upset when Hollywood would remake one of their movies.

What's the point? It was perfect the first time.

...and if it weren't, you wouldn't be wanting to remake in the first place, now would you?